by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a reasonably normal 40-year-old woman. I have not been sexually or romantically involved with anybody for about a year, and lately, when I think about sex, I find myself thinking only about other women. Men don't even enter into the picture.

There is no specific woman to whom I am attracted. I have no idea where or how to meet other women, or, in all honesty, whether I am ready to act on my feelings. I don't know what to do. Can you help me, please?

-- Roxie

Dear Roxie,

I'm glad that you wrote, if only to confirm that Dr. Lovemonkey is indeed reaching his target audience -- that is, the "reasonably normal." Over the last few months, Dr. Lovemonkey has received an inordinate amount of letters from the "reasonably deranged." All the while, I have suspected that they were the result of a mere demographic blip, so I am glad to know that we are indeed settling back into an era of sustained normalcy.

I shall make the assumption that all your previous romantic/sexual relationships were heterosexual. Naturally, then, the thought of delving into a new and different dynamic at the age of 40 must be a little unsettling, if not frightening.

Since sexuality is an arena fraught with mystery, no one actually knows whether people's orientations sometimes change or whether, due to the fact that the majority culture is overwhelmingly hetero and hetero-supremacist to boot, many of us are inclined to subordinate or suppress our basic sexual orientation to "fit in." Regardless, many other women have experienced -- and are experiencing -- just what you are going through.

Be open to your desires and feelings. There is no rush to act on them, since, as you said, there is no special "someone" at the moment. Your confusion probably stems from not understanding your desires in context with the rest of your life. This is partly because you are entering into new and uncharted territory -- and because we live in a world where too few people try to understand same-sex desires and, as a result, denigrate them.

Anyone who feels limited to having relationships with those to whom they are not attracted (i.e., men) won't find happiness or fulfillment. Indeed, continuing on an unhappy path because you feel societal pressure to do so is a no-win proposition. Embracing who you are and how you feel makes much more sense here.

There is one caveat, however. If you have young children from a previous union and do become involved with another woman, you will need to discuss this with them. As confusing and frightening as your sexual feelings are to you, they are much more so for kids, particularly when it concerns their parents.

Unfortunately, homophobia is alive and well among kids. But in the long run, they stand a greater chance of eventually understanding and accepting the mysteries of sexuality if you talk to them about your own feelings.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 20-year-old college student, and about four months ago, I started having sex with my boyfriend. (I was a virgin before this. )

My problem is that no matter what we do, I can't have an orgasm. I've tried masturbating, but . . . no luck. We're both getting very frustrated. Do you think that there is anything we can do about it other than just to keep trying?

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I suspect that you have already searched the Internet to see if there is a Dr. Orgasm-monkey on-line somewhere. Coming up empty, you then resorted to me.

What I can tell you is that your plight is not uncommon. You're only 20 years old and just became sexually active. Although you might not want to acknowledge it, you probably are experiencing a great deal of anxiety about being sexually active, and that anxiety could be having an impact on your ability to reach orgasm.

Relaxation is the key, as your anxiety and self-consciousness are, most likely, working against you. Take it slow and easy -- and try not to think about it.

While your comfort level with your sexual activity is probably not at the root of your inability to climax, let me suggest to you and your boyfriend the magic word "cunnilingus." Nothing is sure-fire, but Dr. Lovemonkey has found that this particular technique works for many women when intercourse has proven unsatisfactory. Check this out.

If your frustration continues, you could always search out a professional sexual therapist. But my guess is that, after four months, this is something that will work itself out after you become more relaxed. There is plenty of time, so don't let your impatience work against you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 28-year-old male. It turns out that I am able to become sexually aroused only when a Boston Red Sox game is playing on the television or on the radio in the background. My many girlfriends find this to be distracting. Any ideas?

-- A Fan

Dear Fan,

You should be thankful that, in these modern times, most of a team's schedule gets played at night. As a result, your main challenge will be explaining to your "many girlfriends" that your obsession with the Red Sox does not make you a loser. Just tell them about the Chicago Cubs.

By the way, if your "many girlfriends" decide to dump you en masse (a circumstance that I would start planning for), consider seeking consolation from Mo Vaughn, who frequently can be found at the Foxy Lady at 318 Chalkstone Avenue in Providence.

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