by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with a great guy for the past six months. He is absolutely wonderful except for one little thing -- he is four inches shorter than I am. He is not too self-conscious about this, but I am. Am I being shallow? Is there anything we can do about this?

-- Treetop Lass

Dear Treetop Lass,

I shall assume by your sobriquet that you are rather tall, as opposed to your boyfriend being rather short. So, rather than feeling self-conscious about his height, you should feel self-conscious about yours. I understand that in Europe, you can get an unlicensed physician to shorten your limbs, which might be a reasonable compromise here. (Hey, only kidding -- traveling to Europe might be out of your economic grasp.)

When considering solutions to the height dilemma, I am always reminded of one Alan Ladd, a famous short movie star. Hollywood, a culture that, in its heyday, was truly self-conscious about image and height, tended to deal with the Alan Ladd situation in two ways: team him with someone like Veronica Lake or June Allyson (two actresses with midget-like tendencies) or get his average-sized or taller-than-average-sized leading lady to walk around in a trench.

Believe it or not, you could do this, although it could get a little complicated, as it would entail your carrying around a shovel at all times. And then, of course, there would be those times when you'd have to actually materialize on pavement or a hardwood floor. Having Alan Ladd perched on a pecan crate was another solution. But once again, this meant carrying around a pecan crate, which, quite frankly, limited the leading man's lateral movement.

For the unfortunate Mr. Ladd, his dilemma led to unbearable self-consciousness and, eventually, to numerous bouts of swallowing handfuls of prescription pills and chugging them down with a quart of vodka. So what I am trying to say to you is that you must look into your heart and ask yourself, "Is this such a big deal?" Assuming that he is not under contract to Paramount or Warner Brothers, I would say fugeddaboutit.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I think that my boyfriend is spending too much time working on crossword puzzles. He gets three newspapers a day and does the crossword puzzles in all of them. Plus, he goes to the drugstore and buys those crossword puzzle books and brings them home.

The really irritating part, though, is that he is constantly doing them at the dinner table when we are supposed to be sharing a meal together. He basically ignores me at these times, and I am getting pretty fed up with it.

I have hinted around that this bothers me, but I guess that I am going to have to be a little more forthright in my objections to this obnoxious practice. Any ideas as to how I can break him of this habit?

-- Anna

Dear Anna,

As you undoubtedly know, men and women are different, and one of the ways in which men tend to be different is in how they respond to "hints." Far too many of us are unschooled in the art of subtlety and nuance. You have already discovered that your boyfriend is one of these archtypes.

You are perceptive to realize that you will have to take the bull by the horns here and be a little more blatant about your unhappiness with his behavior. By way of introducing the topic of his insensitivity, try to approach him in a manner that he understands the next time he is sitting there filling in the squares and ignoring you. Blurt out, "Hey, Bunkie [Bunkie, by the way, is a registered trademark of B. Reynolds, Providence Journal-Bulletin -- hey, just covering my legal bases], what is a seven-letter word for `somebody completely oblivious to the feelings and concerns of others' that begins with an `A' and ends in `H-O-L-E.' "

If this does not get the desired result, you could create a little crossword puzzle of your own and leave it on his plate the next time he comes to dinner. Let's see if I can start you out here:

Across

1. Woman who is leaving you today (Anna)
5. Getting cold (food)

Down

1. What is wrong with Bunkie (absent)
2. What Bunkie will be spending alone (nights)
3. Anna's current state back in bedroom (naked)
4. What Bunkie lacks (a life)
5. Noted Austrian you should consult (Freud)
6. What your penis is about to become (ornament)
7. Chances left to make amends with Anna (one)
8. Really bad blaxploitation film starring Rudy Ray Moore (Dolemite)

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm considering financing a tattoo of my name for my girlfriend to wear as a one-year anniversary present, but I keep hearing these horror stories about people who get tattoos featuring the names of their significant others only to remove them when they break up a few months later. I thought that the tattoo idea was pretty romantic, but I'm having second thoughts about it. Should I reconsider?

-- Dennis

Dear Dennis,

You sound like a very romantic fellow, but when talking about gifts of body adornment, Dr. Lovemonkey would suggest looking into old-fashioned jewelry, since it generally can be removed with a minimum of pain.

Women frequently like that kind of flexibility. Many also like flowers. But if you're really sold on this tattoo idea and would like to do something truly unique, why not whisk your girlfriend off to the Wild West somewhere -- to, say, a functioning cattle ranch -- and have one of the ranch hands fashion a little "D" (for Dennis) logo and then brand this on her buttocks with a hot iron.

First, of course, you might want to check with some law-enforcement agencies or an international human-rights group to find out if this is legal. And by the way, that western vacation also could give you plenty of time to scamper around on all fours in the great wide open.

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