by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 22-year-old woman with a problem that I'm afraid might screw up the rest of my life. Let me explain. I have been going out with the same guy since we were both 16. That is, except for one stretch of time that lasted a little less than a year. This was about a year and a half ago.

Anyway, during that period when we weren't together, I had sex with seven other guys. The problem is that my boyfriend and I got back together, and now we are planning to get married. I never told him about any of this. I don't know if I should. What do you think?

-- Seriously Worried

Dear Seriously Worried,

There is one school of thought that would suggest that you not bring up the subject and avoid speaking about it. This presumes that one does not need to share absolutely everything. However, Dr. Lovemonkey (and you, obviously) believe that this is a fairly serious issue. And you are talking about marriage -- i.e., a partnership for the rest of your life.

I think that you should tell him. It sounds to me like this thing will eat away at you for a long time. It also is possible that one of these other guys will materialize at some point, which could make you feel an awkwardness and sense of guilt that you may have difficulty covering up.

Were these flings of the, shall we say, one-night-stand variety? That's what it sounds like. And I'm of the school of thought that says if you plan to be lifelong partners with someone, you don't keep important secrets from them. Indeed, you'd be starting out on very bad footing otherwise.

Explain to him that you made some very bad choices while you two weren't together. Perhaps he did, too. But the fact is that you are both committed to each other now and that you need this out of your system and off your chest.

You have had your differences before, and you have to believe that you can get through this. Since you weren't together at the time, it was not so much a matter of being unfaithful as it was of feeling free to get involved with things that you now deem to be not very good choices.

I don't know what his reaction will be. The news could, of course, cause a serious fissure between you two. But if this lifelong partnership is to work out, you need to be able to deal with each other honestly -- and to forgive each other, especially about things that you are truly sorry for and that are in the past.

Everyone has things they are not extremely proud of, things they did before making a commitment to another person. Many people have gone into marriages having had previous sexual histories.

By the way, you also might want to get yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases if you haven't already.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with a great guy for a few months now. We're both in our late 20s, and it is obvious that I'm much more sexually experienced than he is. In fact, before getting involved with me, he had been with only one other person. On the other hand, I have had a number of other lovers.

Well, the problem is that he seems to be intimidated by this fact. When I suggest certain sexual things, he sometimes gets apologetic or a little flustered. Then, I get a little self-conscious.

Is there any way of getting past some of this? I don't want him to feel bad or to be overly concerned about the fact that I'm much more sexually experienced than he is. I really think that things are going pretty well except for this little problem. Any suggestions on what I can do?

-- Voice of Experience

Dear Voice of Experience,

Well, it's much more than your voice that's experienced. One thing that might give your boyfriend a little more confidence is if you let him be more of the aggressor in sexual matters. Allow him to lead the way in the realm of "trying different things."

Men, more than women, tend to be self-conscious about such imbalances. It's not so much a sexual thing as it is a matter of confidence-building on your part. If you truly care for each other, you should be able to come up with ways to let him know that you are enthusiastic and pleased with his sexual performance. At this stage, you should just be mindful of being a bit more overt about your desire for him.

For instance, when he leaps onto the chandelier and swings overhead toward you, it would not be a bad thing to scream out "Bravo!" or to let out one of those Tarzan yells in encouragement. The television comedienne Carol Burnett used to be quite skilled at the Tarzan yell, and I'm sure that by studying old tapes of her shows, you could get pretty good at it, too.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm currently on jury duty, and there's this great-looking woman whom I've been noticing every day in the jury lounge. I'd really like to get to know her and am wondering if there are subtle ways to attract her.

-- Big Al

Dear Big Al,

When you're in the jury lounge you could always be the first one to leap up and change the channel on the television from the Jerry Springer show (which, for some unknown reason, people on jury duty seem compelled to watch) to CNN, loudly explaining, "I've had enough of this trash!" This will impress upon her the fact that you are a take-charge kind of guy. Of course, if she seems to be greatly interested in Jerry Springer, you should be the first to start the "Jerry, Jerry," chants when fisticuffs break out on the screen.

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