by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a 20-year-old college student home for the summer. I've never really had a relationship before -- one pseudo-relationship with a good friend and two hook-ups that ended up as friendships, all at school. It seems as though guys think of me as "just a friend" or as "the girl next-door."

When I went out clubbing with a friend the other night, I met a guy. We danced, we talked . . . I ended up giving him my number, and he kissed me goodbye.

Well, now I'm having second thoughts about giving him my number. Perhaps this isn't the type of "relationship" I should be jumping into, but I am looking to date (something else I've never really done before). Should I go out with this guy if he calls?

-- Lonely in Greater Boston

Dear Lonely,

It sounds to Dr. Lovemonkey like you have pretty good instincts. Despite the fact that, at your lower moments, you feel a bit left out and think that the worlds of romance and dating are passing you by, you still understand that what you seek will not necessarily materialize from a night of "clubbing."

Unless you have deep misgivings about this guy for reasons other than the fact that you met him at a nightclub (nice folks go to clubs, too; after all, you were there), the best course to take would be to steer the date toward a luncheon if and when he calls. That way, you'd be out of the frenzy of a nightclub, and you could actually sit down for a while and get to know Mr. X. You could then more easily gauge whether you like him, whether you have things in common, and whether he is a potential suitor you'd be interested in seeing more of.

At the moment, all you know is that he was attracted to you and that you were attracted enough to him to offer your phone number. Nothing has really happened between you yet, so if you saw him again in an atmosphere where you could keep things light and get to know each other a little, you'd get a much better sense of whether this has potential. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

And by the way, Lonely, don't get down over the fact that nothing in terms of a real romance has transpired for you yet. I'm sure that, being in college, you have seen a lot relationships get extremely messy because the participants jumped too quickly into full-bore action before getting to know each other. Control the pace, and if it turns out you're not really that interested in this guy, you'll at least be able to ease out of this without any serious unpleasantness. And who knows, maybe you'll like this guy. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend, Alfredo, and I have been together for only about six months, but in that time, I have noticed some disturbing changes. I think that he may be mixed up with the Mafia in some way.

Lately, he has taken to wearing ties with dark shirts, sharkskin suits, and expensive shoes way out of his price range. Also, I have noticed that lots of times he is not available in the evening and uses the phrase "badda-bing, badda-boom."

I don't feel that I'm in any danger. But should I confront him about what seems to me to be his double life?

-- Worried

Dear Worried,

This reminds me of the time a friend of mine went to the laundromat to do a few loads. She is an artist with a propensity for wearing bright colors, and the person behind the counter innocently asked her if she was "with the circus."

There may be something going on here, but Dr. Lovemonkey wonders whether you and Alfredo have been watching too many Martin Scorsese films. The fact that someone has started dressing in "High Wiseguy" fashion is not exactly evidence that he is involved in organized crime.

Assuming that you live in the Providence-Boston area, you may have noticed that a good number of locals have chosen this sartorial lifestyle as some sort of fashion statement. I even know people whose street dress is indistinguishable from that of a RISD student, yet, in real life, they are computer technicians.

Likewise, non-members of organized-crime families have been known to use phrases like "badda-bing, badda-boom" and "fuhgeddaboutit." But this has not led to their hijacking truckloads of LazyBoy recliners, nor has it convinced them to "push a button" on someone.

Your imagination may be working overtime here, but if your boyfriend is indeed frequently unavailable and seems to be keeping secrets, this is (while not implying anything criminal) of some concern. Healthy romantic relationships should not include secret lives.

It could be that his "double life" is merely in keeping with the current resurgence of "Rat Pack chic" (which is only bound to get worse with the passing this week of the Chairman of the Bored, Old Blueballs). Unfortunately, there is a certain misogynous element to the Rat Pack worldview that involves the devotee's attitude toward "chicks." This is not good from an intimacy perspective.

I would not dump Alfredo for some imagined criminal activities. I would dump Alfredo because his sense of style sounds like it might be at serious odds with cultivating a healthy male/female relationship. If he continues to be distant, he obviously needs to live out his fantasy, which may not include you.

Before you get rid of him, though, find out about his shoe connection. Maybe he knows of a great place to score quality shoes inexpensively. If they carry women's shoes, this could be Alfredo's greatest gift to you. Dr. Lovemonkey doesn't know of too many women who wouldn't like to get in on that.

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