by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a guy who is a "traveling salesman" (for want of a better description) and although we have a pretty good relationship, I can't help but think that he is not entirely faithful to me while he's out on the road. I don't really have any evidence of this, but when he gets home, he rarely wants to talk about what he was up to in his many travels.

I am torn by this, because things are really good while he is around and I wonder if I'm just buying into some sort of stereotype about guys alone on the road. Should I be suspicious? Should I let him know that I am suspicious? Does this relationship have any future? Help me?

-- Road Widow

Dear Widow,

I can't really tell you much from what you've given me, but this is a situation that confronts all sorts of folks who are involved with spouses or significant others in a "travelin' " profession. Lucky for you, he is not in a rock 'n' roll band, as this generally adds to the suspicion. The world of rock 'n' roll, after all, is a bit more sexually charged than that of (for example) a vacuum cleaner salesman.

I would say not to worry if your boyfriend is not very talkative about his experiences on the road. The routine can get pretty boring. Having spent a number of years as a "travelin` man" myself, in the dreaded rock n` roll band business, Dr. Lovemonkey must tell you that some of our most exciting moments came when we were sitting around in a motel room and a Hee Haw rerun magically materialized on the tube. Then it was only a matter of time before one of the guys went into the bathroom to retrieve a bar of room service soap -- and drew a giant phallus in the mouth of Roy Clark.

The reason there is a stereotype about men on the road is that there is a long and fabled history of the type of activity you fear. But that is by no means the case with everyone who travels. To decide whether your fears are warranted, you need to consider the rest of your boyfriend's life. Is he an excitement junkie? Does he compartmentalize things, etc.?

Chances are that you will always be suspicious and that is not a very good thing. You should probably discuss your fears with him and see what he has to say for himself. Maybe that will encourage him to open up to you about his incredibly tedious life. Maybe he'd like to get into a different kind of work, one in which he wouldn't be away so much. If he expresses a desire to travel less and makes some effort to change jobs, this would be a good sign for you, I guess, although all sorts of non-travelin` types manage to be cheat on their girlfriends as well.

Think about the patterns of his life that you know about and consider whether it is in his character to be secretive in general. You at least have to discuss your fears with him, so he'll know that they are part of your concern. Ongoing suspicion is deadly stuff.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a very accomplished professional in the field of graphic design, and I've been going out with the same guy for about three years. The problem is that in all the time we've been together, my professional career has been soaring and his has been floundering. He's had a whole string of different jobs and none of them have stuck. While this brings on tensions sometimes, mostly we're happy.

Well, we're considering getting married, but I have some trepidation about these ongoing differences. It's obvious that I'm a lot more aggressive about work than he is. He hasn't really found "his thing" yet, and I wonder how much longer I should hang in there. He keeps telling me that he's looking, but I'm not seeing much change. Is there a certain time cutoff that I should be observing on this?

-- Gina

Dear Gina,

Yes, there's a time cutoff, and time is up. Don't get married unless you can willingly accept this as the basic ongoing pattern of your life together. If your boyfriend were as strongly motivated as you seem to be, it would have become obvious by now. The fact that you are concerned and complaining about this indicates to Dr. Lovemonkey that the imbalance is a part of your relationship that doesn't work. And it is a big part.

Long experience has indicated to Dr. Lovemonkey that people change very little in such basic ways. If someone is sneaky and untrustworthy, they tend to remain sneaky and untrustworthy (although they frequently become much more sophisticated at being sneaky and untrustworthy). Likewise, someone who seems highly unmotivated and continues to be so throughout three years with a highly motivated mate will probably hold to this pattern of behavior. My guess is that he is sucking much of his energy from you and that you are not particularly thrilled with living for two.

The only question you need to ask yourself is whether your boyfriend's seeming lack of motivation is an acceptable way to spend the rest of your life. Sounds like it isn't, and it also sounds like you should end this relationship pronto. He is not going to change, and sticking with this could be a recipe for disaster.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend loves all these progressive rock records from the '70s (Yes, Emerson, Lake and Palmer, etc.) and I hate them. Is there a way I can encourage her to stop listening to them without hurting her feelings?

-- A.

Dear A.,

No. Generally, I would say that you must destroy these records, but that would be wanton destruction of someone else's property. The only solution is that you must never see her again.

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