by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I dated someone for a long time (six years), someone for whom I still have strong feelings and can undoubtedly say I loved and still love. This person did not fulfill all of my needs, however, and we broke it off about a year ago.

I am now with someone who does fulfill all of my needs (in the sense of being happy and very compatible with this person) but for whom I do not feel that same sense of love. Without getting into all kinds of questions of what "love" is or isn't, my question is this: should you be with someone you love or someone who makes you happy?

-- Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

Your dilemma strikes to the very heart of "what love is." Therefore, it is impossible to not get into all that. Unfortunately, Dr. Lovemonkey can't fully explain what love is, nor has he encountered any great philosopher or theologian who could. Still, I do have a few notions.

A search for someone who will "fulfill all of your needs" seems to me to be a futile one. This sort of thinking (that there is some perfect match out there for you) is, in Dr. Lovemonkey's estimation, one of the reasons for the high divorce rate. I see it in terms of unrealistic expectations.

Love between life partners has many sides, and the happiness and compatibility that you refer to are certainly major parts of that. Still, reading between the lines here, I sense that, in the area of sensual attraction or lusty desire, you still hanker for your former mate. If this is the case, know that attraction is not as strong a foundation to build a lifelong partnership on.

Sure, it's an important component, but sexual desire tends to ebb and flow with a bit more fluctuation than such things as loyal friendship and shared values. Coordination of heart, head, and loins is important.

Your challenge is to stop dwelling on the past and to start building on your ongoing relationship. Your second thoughts and desire to somehow meld together the features of your current and past relationship do you no good. Concentrate on the relationship you have and let go of the past.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My situation is a strange one. Six months ago, I stopped dating my high school sweetheart of four years. Shortly thereafter, I started to date someone else. Well, after about six months with this girl, I realized that I was very much still in love with my ex-girlfriend, so I went back to her and confessed my eternal love. She was about to take me back when she asked if I had slept with anyone else. I told her that I had and that I had been going with someone else while we'd been broken up.

She didn't take it very well. In fact, she is acting as though I cheated on her. I understand her resentment toward me. But is what I did unfaithful? Is there any way for me to salvage my relationship with her? I love her very much, but because of what I did, she doesn't know whether to hate me or just leave me to my misery. I do believe that she is worth fighting for -- I just don't know how.

-- Paul

Dear Paul,

What's of interest to Dr. Lovemonkey here is the chronology and time element. Here is what you seem to be telling me: almost immediately after breaking up with someone you had been involved with for four years, you jumped into a relationship with someone else. While I don't consider this "cheating," it was definitely ill-considered.

This is also a classic example of the difference between how men frequently behave and how women behave. Having been intimately involved with another for a number of years, you very quickly took up with someone else. For some reason, women seem to more readily understand that the bonds and feelings created in a long time together are not so easily swept aside or buried. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to think (or to not think at all and let their glands do the talking) that they actually can do this.

Your ex-girlfriend may be technically wrong to consider you unfaithful, since you'd broken off your relationship at that point. Still, her inherent emotional response is not unreasonable. Simply put, here's what she sees -- I go out with someone for four years. We break up and he is immediately in the sack with someone else. After a mere six months, he comes back to me and pledges his "eternal love."

She may not be able to articulate it, but her reluctance to get back together with you is reasonable. It is wise of her to question what your understanding of "eternal love" is after your behavior of the last six months. And if she is "worth fighting for," then she is worth waiting for.

Your challenge is to work on the non-sexual elements of your relationship. Forget about romance for now. If you really love this woman, then you need to go back to square one and rebuild the trust between you. If she's worth fighting for, then begin the fight.

Of course, the harder fight will be waged in your pants. Accept the fact that they will need to remain zipped for an uncertain amount of time. Do not initiate any romantic overtures -- this will be her prerogative in her time. Dedicate yourself to trying to rebuild an honest and caring relationship based on friendship. This is the way to show your eternal love.

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