by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been seeing the same man for just over a year. We have one of those harmonious, extremely close, best friends/sharing type of relationships. At his insistence, we were spending every weekend together. (He lives an hour away, so I spend my weekends at his place.)

Suddenly, during our eighth month of dating, he announced that we should see other people! But he wants to continue to "cultivate" our relationship. He wants to be "best friends with benefits" and not, in his words, "boyfriend/girlfriend."

We had our first fight over this (actually, I did all the yelling and he did all the cowering). I left him, and a week later he called and wanted to "talk." We did that. And although I was cautious and suspicious, I thought we would be okay.

Well, suddenly, four days before our one-year anniversary (which we had planned to celebrate together), I called him about an unrelated matter and mentioned that I was looking forward to Saturday night. He then told me that he hadn't planned on seeing me that weekend!

I got very angry and gave him an ultimatum. He kept insisting that we should just take a little time, that I was upset. When I kept forcing the issue, he said that perhaps he was the one who needed some time and told me it wouldn't be long.

I moved on and met someone else (not serious, but I enjoyed his company). Then, my ex-boyfriend calls, claiming he'd thought about calling every night and day but had held back. We decided to see each other again, going right back to the old pattern (except he was more attentive and demonstrative).

Three weeks ago, I was at his place when the phone rang. He picked it up, smiled, giggled, and looked at me, saying, "I'm not going to take this call. I don't want trouble." I got upset, and we got into a deep discussion in which he told me that we're so close and it wouldn't feel right if I were gone. He was even willing (how nice) to be platonic friends. Again, I left.

Two weeks later, he called and left a message on my machine. Rather than calling back, I sent him a long e-mail a few days later and told him that it hurt me to leave but that I was more hurt by the treatment I was receiving. I wanted to know why my friendship was so important to him and informed him that I'd been looking for a committed relationship when we'd first met and that I was still looking for one. I told him I'd rather communicate through e-mail than face-to-face.

Since then, we've been corresponding in bits and pieces through e-mail, just clarifying issues. He says each time that this isn't his "official" response but that it will come soon. He doesn't know what he wants, that's for sure. I am perusing the personals once again. But my problem is I want him and I know there is something there for him too. He just seems so confused . . . or fearful.

Please tell me, What does he want? Why can't he let go if he wants to date other people? (Oh, I have neglected to mention that he was married for two volatile years and got hurt. He says he exercised poor judgement in choosing what is now his ex-wife).

I'm confused and hurt, but I am not stupid. I would just like to understand what men are so afraid of and if there is anything I can do to help him see that I won't hurt him.

-- NuMSW

Dear NuMSW,

It would be wrong to generalize this guy's behavior as typical of all men. But he does represent a certain sub-species. Briefly, this guy's behavior indicates to me that he is not ready -- nor is he preparing for -- a serious relationship. This back-and-forth push-and-pull only will continue with this guy, so your instinct to stop seeing him is right. Move on . . . for real.

The one thing you might want to ponder is why you are attracted to a man like this. I'm sure that he is quite charming and thoughtful (in short spurts). But that is part of the classic archetype he seems to represent. This will go nowhere and will continue to go nowhere until he changes. And there's no guarantee that he will. Leave this.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

A 30-year-old professional woman, I have had relationships. But until recently, I had not found "the one." I was so busy traveling abroad with my consulting job that I really didn't have the time nor space in my life for such a commitment. Now, I have found the person. He and I work together at my part-time job as a Spanish translator. (He's full-time.)

We have compatible personalities, common values, a shared sense of humor and culture (both Hispanic), and physical attraction. In the past two months, he has made subtle overtures. But something is holding him back.

At 10 p.m. every night, he receives a phone call that co-workers tell me is from a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. Because of a cheating boyfriend in my past, I'm afraid. But -- he has made indirect comments that he is not seeing anyone. I don't know what to think.

My friends and family tell me that by trying not to appear too eager, I may be coming across as too aloof or uninterested. I try to show him (discreetly) that I am interested. His behavior indicates that he's interested, too. But after two months, he has not asked me out on a real date.

We did go to a party a month ago (and had a blast), and since then, he has made general comments like "Let's go to the jazz club sometime." But has not asked me for a specific date.

I am outgoing but shy when it comes to romance. Should I ask him out (I'd prefer not to) or is there something I can do to nudge him? I just don't know if he is holding back because he is insecure or because he is involved with someone else.

-- Jacqueline R.

Dear Jacqueline,

The next time he mentions "going to the jazz club" or some other non-specific suggestion, try this "nudging" technique. Say, "I'd love that. Let's set a date." That way, he'd be initiating the date, but you'd pin it down.

Your description of his behavior so far doesn't set off any alarms (like he's seeing someone else). Two months isn't too long a time for someone to still be feeling things out after meeting someone.

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