by Rudy Cheeks
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I've been with my boyfriend for four months now. He was the one pursuing me
at first, but during the initial stages of our relationship, he withdrew for a
short period of time because he was still emotionally disturbed by what had
happened between him and his ex. Then, as time went by, he realized that I'm
too nice of a girl for him to pass up. We once again became close, and I know
he truly likes me a lot now.
But for the past week, he has seemed cold and a little impatient with me
whenever we've spoken on the phone. (We talk on the phone every day and see
each other about once a week.) I know that he has been coming down with a flu
and that he is very busy with his career. Still, I get the feeling that he
really doesn't want to talk to me. He sounds distant. Everything was going
wonderfully for us, so what's up with his unusual attitude?
I won't be able to see him for two weeks, and I can't even confront him
over the phone, because he is still sick and sounds bothered when I call. Why
does it seem like every now and then he throws me the cold shoulder. What
should I do?
I am in my late 20s, and he is in his early 30s. I really don't want to
waste my time over someone who is not serious. It's just that when he's
"normal," we always have a good time together, and he's given me the impression
that he is serious about this relationship, that there is a future for us. I'm
really clueless on what's going on in his mind. Please help!
Dear Angela,
Here is the most important thing for you to remember -- you have been going
with this guy for only four months. How long did you know this guy before you
started going together? How well did you know him? If the answers are
that you didn't know him long nor well, it could be that his "normal" self --
or at least aspects of it-- is what you're now experiencing.
You see, after only four months, you're still just getting to know this guy.
And if you're seeing him about once a week, you're still not privy to the
day-to-day guy. If you've had an intimate relationship of any length in the
past, try to remember how it played out.
It's usually the case that in the first blush of romance, both participants
are on their very best behavior. Besotted with the thrill of it all, one wants
to impress the other person with his or her absolute swellness. It's exciting,
it's new, it's wonderful. It's the first stages of falling in love.
But eventually, things calm down and the participants start revealing more of
their "normal" selves. It's just the next phase in the evolution of a
relationship. And you hope to discover that the day-to-day behavior of the
person you're involved with is similar to the behavior of the person who has
been ardently pursuing you for the last few months.
Sometimes, though, there is a vast difference between the "courtin' guy" and
the "everyday guy." Since, as you say, he took the role of the pursuer, he
probably was turning on the charm and being more thoughtful and attentive than
usual. You impressed him and he liked you. Therefore, he wanted to impress you
and for you to like him. This is all perfectly natural.
With time, it will be revealed whether your boyfriend's everyday behavior is
markedly different from his "courtin' guy" persona. Within a few more weeks,
you should know if you're dealing with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario or just a
guy with the flu.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My husband's best friend is causing us grief, and I'm not exactly sure how
to deal with it. What happens is that he has a little too much to drink and
comes over here, and some sort of scene occurs. One time, he started tossing
our collection of Hummel figurines from Germany around, calling them "stupid
kitsch" and "bad master race shit." He apologized the next day and offered to
pay for the two that he'd chipped.
There have been other instances as well. A month or so after that, he came
over, drunk again, and told me that I was too good for my husband and that it
was only a matter of time before he started getting involved with someone else.
He was very insistent, despite the fact that this is absolutely ridiculous --
our marriage is fine.
I'm just not sure what to do about the drunken best friend. Keep him out of
the house? Tell my husband not to spend time with him? My husband is basically
embarrassed by the situation and will likely go along with whatever I say (even
though this is one of his oldest friends and he still cares about him). I want
to be reasonable, but he's driving me nuts.
Dear J.A.,
I don't want to get too deeply into the specifics of the first episode you
mentioned, since I've yet to make up my mind about whether the Hummel figurines
are powerful works of art or just "bad master race shit."
I suppose your husband's friend passed out before he got to the point of his
fantasies about your husband's currently dormant infidelities -- i.e., that
your best course of action would be to have sex with the friend while he is
really drunk in order to know what true love is.
Before Face Boy starts busting up something really valuable (like the complete
Beanie Baby collection I suspect you have under spotlights in your living
room), it would seem reasonable to ban him from the house and to tell your
husband that hanging out with him is only acceptable when alcoholic beverage is
not involved.
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