The Boston Phoenix
June 18 - 25, 1998

[Dr. Lovemonkey]

by Rudy Cheeks


[Dr. Lovemonkey] Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been with my boyfriend for four months now. He was the one pursuing me at first, but during the initial stages of our relationship, he withdrew for a short period of time because he was still emotionally disturbed by what had happened between him and his ex. Then, as time went by, he realized that I'm too nice of a girl for him to pass up. We once again became close, and I know he truly likes me a lot now.

But for the past week, he has seemed cold and a little impatient with me whenever we've spoken on the phone. (We talk on the phone every day and see each other about once a week.) I know that he has been coming down with a flu and that he is very busy with his career. Still, I get the feeling that he really doesn't want to talk to me. He sounds distant. Everything was going wonderfully for us, so what's up with his unusual attitude?

I won't be able to see him for two weeks, and I can't even confront him over the phone, because he is still sick and sounds bothered when I call. Why does it seem like every now and then he throws me the cold shoulder. What should I do?

I am in my late 20s, and he is in his early 30s. I really don't want to waste my time over someone who is not serious. It's just that when he's "normal," we always have a good time together, and he's given me the impression that he is serious about this relationship, that there is a future for us. I'm really clueless on what's going on in his mind. Please help!

-- Angela

Dear Angela,

Here is the most important thing for you to remember -- you have been going with this guy for only four months. How long did you know this guy before you started going together? How well did you know him? If the answers are that you didn't know him long nor well, it could be that his "normal" self -- or at least aspects of it-- is what you're now experiencing.

You see, after only four months, you're still just getting to know this guy. And if you're seeing him about once a week, you're still not privy to the day-to-day guy. If you've had an intimate relationship of any length in the past, try to remember how it played out.

It's usually the case that in the first blush of romance, both participants are on their very best behavior. Besotted with the thrill of it all, one wants to impress the other person with his or her absolute swellness. It's exciting, it's new, it's wonderful. It's the first stages of falling in love.

But eventually, things calm down and the participants start revealing more of their "normal" selves. It's just the next phase in the evolution of a relationship. And you hope to discover that the day-to-day behavior of the person you're involved with is similar to the behavior of the person who has been ardently pursuing you for the last few months.

Sometimes, though, there is a vast difference between the "courtin' guy" and the "everyday guy." Since, as you say, he took the role of the pursuer, he probably was turning on the charm and being more thoughtful and attentive than usual. You impressed him and he liked you. Therefore, he wanted to impress you and for you to like him. This is all perfectly natural.

With time, it will be revealed whether your boyfriend's everyday behavior is markedly different from his "courtin' guy" persona. Within a few more weeks, you should know if you're dealing with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde scenario or just a guy with the flu.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My husband's best friend is causing us grief, and I'm not exactly sure how to deal with it. What happens is that he has a little too much to drink and comes over here, and some sort of scene occurs. One time, he started tossing our collection of Hummel figurines from Germany around, calling them "stupid kitsch" and "bad master race shit." He apologized the next day and offered to pay for the two that he'd chipped.

There have been other instances as well. A month or so after that, he came over, drunk again, and told me that I was too good for my husband and that it was only a matter of time before he started getting involved with someone else. He was very insistent, despite the fact that this is absolutely ridiculous -- our marriage is fine.

I'm just not sure what to do about the drunken best friend. Keep him out of the house? Tell my husband not to spend time with him? My husband is basically embarrassed by the situation and will likely go along with whatever I say (even though this is one of his oldest friends and he still cares about him). I want to be reasonable, but he's driving me nuts.

-- J.A.

Dear J.A.,

I don't want to get too deeply into the specifics of the first episode you mentioned, since I've yet to make up my mind about whether the Hummel figurines are powerful works of art or just "bad master race shit."

I suppose your husband's friend passed out before he got to the point of his fantasies about your husband's currently dormant infidelities -- i.e., that your best course of action would be to have sex with the friend while he is really drunk in order to know what true love is.

Before Face Boy starts busting up something really valuable (like the complete Beanie Baby collection I suspect you have under spotlights in your living room), it would seem reasonable to ban him from the house and to tell your husband that hanging out with him is only acceptable when alcoholic beverage is not involved.

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