by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was in an abusive marriage for 16 years and have two teenage children. This man drank and ignored us, and I felt so alone for so long. I tried counseling. But after a year, I decided that it would always be the same.

I have been attracted to several men but have never acted on it. This one guy at work, much younger than myself, became close with me just joking and enjoying each other's company. He got up the nerve to ask me out on what seemed like just a casual date. I revealed to him the fact that I was married, had teenage kids. I also told him that I planned to break up with my husband.

We really connected emotionally, and he assured me that I looked much younger. When we parted, he asked if he could go out with me again. We remained friendly at work, but he kept asking me if I had broken ties with my husband. It took me a week longer (after the date), but I had to do it for myself and for the children's sake. I stayed cool for a month, and he kept up on the latest in my life.

He went away and promised to bring something back. I asked him for a T-shirt. He said that he had it, but he hasn't given it to me yet. He mentioned one day at work that he had it with him, but when I went to get it, he had gone home already. This happened two days in a row.

I called him several times, and he never calls me back. We used to e-mail each other, but he stopped answering my e-mail. I stopped calling and e-mailing him, but he still approaches me at work. He used to say, "I'll call you over the weekend." But now he just says "bye" and smiles. He asked me what I wanted on his trip even after the out-of-work contact stopped.

My concern is, Why would he still be attentive to me at work but not call or contact me? I really care and think about him all the time. Why did he offer to get me something and then not give it to me?

Yesterday, he left before I could say goodbye, and he usually asks me to say goodbye to him before I leave. I've tried avoiding him, but he comes up to me. Originally, he said, "If you are not pregnant, I don't care. If you plan on separating from or divorcing your husband, I understand." He would ask me every day for a week, "Did you take care of that problem yet?" He even offered to speak with a lawyer for me.

Is he waiting to see if I'm serious about the divorce or what? I can't stand this anymore. I deeply feel for him.

-- J.H.

Dear J.H.,

Your letter is quite confusing. I am having a difficult time following the chronology. I would suggest that you forget about any romantic or intimate involvement with this (or any other) guy until you have commenced doing something definitive about the abusive husband. If there is real abuse, you must get the hell out of there with your kids. It sounds like you are still with him (once again, this is too confusing).

I must say, I also don't understand what you're trying to get at with the T-shirt. More than likely, this guy is confused, and so is Dr. Lovemonkey. I wouldn't blame him for backing off from a situation he sees as fraught with danger.

But your concern should not be what this guy you like is thinking or why he's behaving the way he's behaving. In short, J.H., don't even think about being involved with someone until you have a plan to deal with the drunken, abusive husband. There are women's shelters and other agencies. I urge you to contact one immediately.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been going out with a wonderful guy for almost three years now. We're both in our late 20s, and although I love him and envision a life with him, he leaves quite a lot to be desired in the area of communication. He never tells me that he loves me unless I force it out of him. I, on the other hand, feel that I give him positive, caring feedback all the time.

It's not that he says or does hurtful things, it's just that he is so unemotional and unresponsive to me that I feel unappreciated much of the time. How can I get him to reciprocate and open up a little?

-- Mary

Dear Mary,

Male/female communication problems crop up all the time. And much has been written about how men and women communicate differently and how these stylistic differences lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.

The fact is, this is such a common problem that unless your boyfriend is willing to try counseling, I imagine there will be little change. If you and he do agree to seek couples counseling, it will become obvious to you that you'll both need to make some adjustments.

If you do not want to go the counseling route, you must ask yourself how much you care about this guy. This is the way the man honestly is, and whether or not you want to commit yourself to this relationship and spend a life with him will depend on how important it is for you to have the kind of communication you long for.

If you check with some of your female friends who are also in relationships or married, you may find that this is a very common complaint. Ask them how they deal with it. Perhaps you could pick up some tips from them.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---