The Boston Phoenix
July 2 - 9, 1998

[Dr. Lovemonkey]

by Rudy Cheeks


[Dr. Lovemonkey] Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been seeing this wonderful woman. She is very much in love with me. I know this because she has told me so. She is now on vacation for about a week. Could you suggest a way for me to show her that I miss her a lot?

I am finding myself very much in love with her as well. There are times that all I want to do is to hold her, kiss her, and other such activities.

-- Shawn

Dear Shawn,

While she is gone for a week, consider not shaving or bathing and moving into a large cardboard box on the street outside your house. When she returns, tell her, "I just didn't know how to live without you."

If the "pathetic act" is not her cup of tea, another idea would be to go the opposite route and put together a huge party upon her return. Rent out one of those mansions in Newport and invite numerous pukka types, a brace of celebrities and wealthy individuals whom neither of you know. (Dr. Lovemonkey understands that Brooke Astor attends virtually every function.) Order top-of-the-line food and hire a 30-piece society orchestra (I believe Peter Duchin is still available) and a large squadron of liveried servants to work the room.

It even could be a theme party. How about a safari theme with you, resplendent in khakis and pith helmet, being carried into the room at the proper moment on a sedan hoisted by a quartet of scantily clad Nubian extras easily obtained from Central Casting?

But seriously, Shawn, there are many simple ways to express your feelings for another. They need not cost a great deal of money nor entail a lapse in hygiene.

Dr. Lovemonkey has found that what is most appreciated by others is your time and attention. Whatever you choose to do, it's important that it be something that maximizes your time and attention to her. Be creative and show some effort. I have no doubt that it will be greatly appreciated.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Two years ago, I met a charming West Point cadet through mutual friends at a semi-formal. We danced the night away, sparks flew, and he was so romantic. He even walked me home and introduced himself to my parents. He told me he would call.

The day before this, my mother, who is a dental hygienist, cleaned his mother's teeth. (He lives two miles from me.) When he told his mother about the girl he met, she disapproved because I am 14 and he is almost 18. Through his friends, he expressed his remorse to me.

Needless to say, I have never forgotten that night. I recently saw him at the high school graduation ceremony. I didn't want to be pushy or look too interested, so I just said "hi" and asked if he remembered me. (He did.)

Later, at a friend's graduation party, he tracked me down and asked me if I wanted to go to an amusement park with him and a bunch of the graduating class. We went as a group, rode the rides in the rain, and had a blast. By the end of the night, he was holding my hand, gazing into my eyes, and giving me kisses. We all slept over Daryl's house, and I fell asleep in his arms.

He promised me he would call me as soon as he got back from school in Virginia. He gave me his e-mail address to keep in contact during those three weeks. Do you think it is worth getting my hopes up? Do you think he will call?

-- Diana

Dear Diana,

Dr. Lovemonkey is still trying to process your reference to the "West Point cadet" attending school in Virginia, considering the fact that the US Military Academy at West Point is in New York. Maybe he is attending VMI or is at a military prep school planning to attend West Point in the fall. It's these little details that catch my eye.

Something else that caught my eye was your story about the graduation party at the amusement park. Are your friends typically three or four years older than you? Do you hang out with anyone your own age?

I hope that he doesn't call, and I would suggest that you cool down a bit for now. Age differences are relative, and while four years is not such a great gulf when you are, say, 20 and 24, the differences between a 14-year-old and an 18-year-old are generally quite profound.

One is still maturing rapidly at age 14. I think that your friend's mother is, at this time, correct to be concerned. Another aspect of a romantic relationship that would concern me is the question of why an 18-year-old male would want to be involved with a 14-year-old.

Undoubtedly, you will not like my advice, which is that remaining friends and staying in contact is okay, but only if you are willing to forgo the romance. And considering your current state of mind and your cadet's obvious interest, I don't think this is likely. I believe that the current gulf between the two of you is too wide at this time.

Think about the fact that he will be in college and you will be (I'm guessing here) starting your first year in high school. That's a large social gap. In a few years, the age difference will be moot, but for now, this is not a good idea. I would pull way back and try to maintain a very distant friendship.


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