by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. We had been going together for just about a year, and the main reason that we broke up had to do with issues and problems that she had and that I honestly couldn't help her with, although I tried.

Anyway, since we broke up (it's been about two months), she has been completely cold to me. She doesn't return my calls, she ignored my birthday, and she basically acts as if I don't exist. I still care about her and maybe I shouldn't. But I find it hard acting as rudely as she has toward me. What are your thoughts on this situation? Do you think that I should just forget about her or should I try to confront her about her behavior?

-- T.J.

Dear T.J.

Your ex-girlfriend's behavior does not sound all that outrageous or unusual to Dr. Lovemonkey. You say that you "broke up with her." As a result, she probably feels rejected and whatever feelings of warmth you two once shared are not things she can embrace at this time. Nor should you cling to them or expect her to still feel some sort of connection to you. She is, as they say, "getting on with her life." You should, too.

It is possible that someday you can "just be friends," but for you to wait for or expect that indicates to me that you can't imagine what your ex-girlfriend is probably going through.

You don't want to forget about her entirely, so maybe what you should do is think about what went wrong with your relationship and ask yourself why it unfolded the way it did. What was the effect of your trying to help her deal with the issues and problems you mentioned? It is entirely possible that your "help," despite sincere concern, was inappropriate and detrimental to the relationship as a whole.

People frequently play into roles that end up creating more damage than help. When someone has a problem, you want to be supportive and helpful, but the bottom line is that you can't solve it nor can they solve yours.

By playing into the role of problem-solver, you solidify your partner's role as the person who needs help, cultivating dependency. This doesn't work. It can be destructive to both people in different ways, and it is definitely destructive to the relationship, stifling growth on both sides.

These are the things you want to think about. Learn from this experience as you let go of it. Think about why your ex is shutting you out, and it should make a lot of sense to you. She needs to heal, and this will hasten that process for her.

Dear Dr.Lovemonkey,

I like this guy at school, but he likes another girl. He even danced with that girl at the school dance. Almost everyone supports him and her to be together. I'm afraid to tell him that I like him, because the pressure afterwards might be too hard for me. So what should I do?

-- Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

Dance with another guy.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend is a really intelligent, well-read guy who has been telling me for some time now that he believes in polygamy. He says that it is a much more stable and logical family structure, and he frequently cites the early Mormons as examples.

I'm not buying any of this, and he hasn't acted on his philosophical beliefs yet. Still, I'm wondering if there is a reasonable way for me to respond to what I consider his perverse point of view.

-- Flummoxed

Dear Flummoxed,

You might want to point out to him that polygamy is illegal, although I doubt that this will shake his belief. It seems to me that the stronger issue here has to do with equality of the sexes.

I'll take a wild guess that your boyfriend is talking about polygamy in a patriarchal context -- i.e., one guy, many wives. Question him on polygamy as a matriarchal construct. Tell him you've sent out invitations to every touring all-male, heavy metal band scheduled to come through town. Randomly dial a number in Southern California late at night, and when it appears on your phone bill, tell him you were talking to Jack Nicholson. After this, he may calm down.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was wondering about your name. Do you really love monkeys, or does the name have a different connotation? If you love monkeys, so do I. I have always loved them from the first time I saw them at the zoo. I only wish I could have one at home, but mother says animals belong in the woods.

But didn't people once live in the woods? Maybe that's where we go to love them. Thanks for letting me write to you.

-- Charles Gooch

Dear Charles,

You're welcome, although it's not like Dr. Lovemonkey can stop someone from accessing his Web site.

As for the rest of your letter, not only did people once "live in the woods," but many still do! And for those of us who live in areas noticeably short on shrubbery, traditional wildlife, and freely growing vegetation, I recall the immortal words of the acetate philosopher, Tarzan, as he peered out of an airplane for his first view of the Big Apple in the 1942 cross-cultural opus Tarzan's New York Adventure -- "Ugh, stone jungle."

One more quote for you, Charles. In 1980, when desert-dwelling painter/musician/animal lover Don Van Vliet (a.k.a., Captain Beefheart) was touring the world in support of his record, Doc at the Radar Station, he would frequently blurt out to unruly audience members, "Someone's had too much to think."

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