by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a crush nicknamed "Pilot." Do you think it's right to admire him even though I know that my family doesn't like him? He is cute, but he is a rebel and a bit of a troublemaker. I can't help the way I feel. I want to know, is it right or wrong?

-- Cyrene

Dear Cyrene,

Your family is right about this, Cyrene. If it were just Pilot's Elvis-like sneer and slovenly appearance (tattered bowling shoes with shiny, faux-leather lederhosen, a woman's earth-toned tube top, etc.), Dr. Lovemonkey could cut some slack here. It's the behavior that concerns me.

Knocking over 7-Elevens with a roving band of similarly attired ragamuffins could earn Pilot a long stretch in the cooler. For his own protection, then, he should at least look into some new togs.

Then there is the matter of his passing out copies of Mein Kampf with porno bookmarks to area grade-school kiddies. While this largess might be considered "cute" in renegade militia circles or in certain rural areas of Mississippi, in the rest of the country, it is generally considered a non-starter.

Also, it may be worth your time to check with Pilot and make sure that his name is not spelled "Pilate." If it is and you come from a Christian family, they may have concerns about your inamorata's ancestors, as there was the case of a Pilate some 2000 years ago who was, shall we say, on the wrong side of things in a rather unfortunate matter concerning someone known as the Son of God.

At this point, Cyrene, you're probably wondering where I got these notions about Pilot. The answer is "not from you," which is also the problem. Since Dr. Lovemonkey has received a number of letters not unlike yours (and I do try to respond to every one), it seems that now might be an opportune time to explain a critical point to our lovelorn correspondents.

To quote the Godfather of Soul, "please, please, please" try and give Dr. Lovemonkey a bit more information. The pertinent facts I have been able to glean from your note, Cyrene, are, a) you have a crush on a cute guy called Pilot, b) he's "a bit of a troublemaker" and, c) your family disapproves.

In order to even consider offering any advice in this matter, Dr. Lovemonkey needs to know some specifics. What is the nature of Pilot's rebelliousness and trouble-making? Why does your family disapprove of him? They must have mentioned some reasons. Also, what is it, other than his abundant "cuteness," that attracts you to him? These are all important areas of inquiry.

One last thought. You may not be able to help the way you feel, but you can and should control the way you think and behave. Many people find themselves attracted to someone who thrills them but brings nothing but trouble. I suspect that your parents have seen a lot more of this than you have and sense the warning signs.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been reading about the new wonder drug, Viagra, and I'm wondering whether I should get me some. Although I'm only in my late-20s and have not experienced any difficulty in achieving or sustaining an erection, I'm figuring that the properties of this drug will help me be a more successful lover.

Do you know if there's anything dangerous in taking the drug? I could always tell a doctor that I'm having trouble in order to get the prescription. What do ya think? It's worth a try, huh?

-- Jackie

Dear Jackie,

You are just the sort of idiot people working in the field of medical research worry about -- constantly. You do seem to have an illness, a very common malady here in the US of A that Dr. Lovemonkey likes to call "Me, me, now, now, more, more" syndrome.

There may be real danger in your taking Viagra (or any other powerful medication) if you don't need it. That's a serious consideration and something that you should definitely consult a physician about. Of course, that would put you in a sort of bind, as I'm suggesting that you level with a doctor.

The bottom line is that if you aren't experiencing difficulties in performing sexually, why take such risks -- because you'll become more of a "Mr. Stud" kind of guy? Maybe you should give some thought to penile-extension surgery as well. Sounds like you're an ideal candidate.

The problem for Dr. Lovemonkey is this -- I'm involved in giving advice to people about how to find happiness within the framework of their relationships with others. "Havin' real good sex" is certainly an aspect of that, but only one of many. From Dr. Lovemonkey's perspective, it is certainly not the crux of the matter. Indeed, by concentrating on the sexual elements of things, you tend to miss the bigger picture, which is, How does sex fit into my whole life?

If sex is just one of those pleasurable activities for you -- like eating an ice cream cone on a hot day -- I can't be of much help. I'm much more interested in the larger context of sexuality as something that is inextricably tied in with romance, friendship, sharing, love, commitment, and responsibility. So I can't give advice about the strictly physical or from the "sex as recreation" perspective. There are people who can and will, but not me.

The thing I do know is this: Viagra is a powerful drug, and people who lie or misrepresent things to doctors in order to receive such a powerful drug are acting dangerously and foolishly. You're thinking entirely too much about your dick, Jackie.

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