by Rudy Cheeks
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I am dating my best friend. It has been a little over a year now and
everything is going swell. I love him much more than as just a friend. However,
there's a problem. For a while now, I have been bi-curious. I have no idea what
has driven me so strongly this way, but that's how I feel. I've never slept
with a girl, but I'd like to try it (someone I know, of course).
I'm very attracted to men, that's for sure. But this sexual attraction for
women just awoke inside of me. So what my question boils down to is, What
should I do?
Dear Bi-Curious,
Dr. Lovemonkey receives quite a few letters from people who start off talking
about their hearts and wind up wanting to discuss their loins. You are asking
me whether I feel it is appropriate to pursue your carnal interests despite the
fact that you are in a relationship that seems to make you happy and satisfied.
Well, the person you should discuss this with is not Dr. Lovemonkey but the
man you are dating. It doesn't matter what the orientation of your interests
are -- bi-sexual, homosexual, heterosexual. The essence of your quandary has to
do with the parameters of your present relationship.
Is the nature of your relationship with your best friend one of intimacy and
exclusivity? Is it one in which you implicitly give each other permission to
engage in sexual activities with other people?
In general, when someone tells me that he/she is involved in a loving
relationship, I assume that it is intimate and exclusive. If so, why would you
jeopardize this and be willing to cause a great deal of hurt and confusion
merely because you are curious about sex with someone else?
If your curiosity outweighs your feelings for this person, then you shouldn't
be in an exclusive and intimate relationship with him. If your relationship is
not exclusive, then there shouldn't be a problem in either of you acting on
whatever impulses you might have.
The fact is that people who have an exclusive, intimate relationship with
another (including those who are married) do not magically stop having sexual
fantasies or cease finding others attractive and desirable. The reason they
don't act on their curiosities, desires, or fantasies is that they believe the
relationship they are engaged in is special and important and that loving that
other person implies loyalty and commitment and something bigger than the two
individuals involved.
The answer to your question is obvious. If you value your relationship, you
honor it by not acting on your impulses outside of that bond. Otherwise, you
dishonor the relationship. It's a simple matter of priorities.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
I'm about to break up with my girlfriend. I don't really want to get into
why I want to break it off, but believe me when I tell you that we both are to
blame for things not working out. My main problem right now is where to stage
this dramatic event.
I believe that it's best to do it at her place. That way, I'll be able to
get the hell out of there in my own time frame and won't need to worry about
broken crockery, long and torturous crying jags, or other histrionics. She can
get rather emotional, you see. Does this make sense to you?
Dear D.A.
Sure, this makes sense to Dr. Lovemonkey if I want to think solely in terms of
my own comfort and feelings. But Dr. Lovemonkey would like to believe that you,
D.A., are not so crass.
The fact is that you are the prime instigator of the breakup and, therefore,
are already in the more controlling position. Consideration and comfort should
cut both ways, and it would be unfair of you to orchestrate this scene in order
to escape more than your share of the sorrow and sadness that accompanies such
traumatic doings.
What about telling her on neutral turf? A semi-public place like a secluded
booth at a restaurant might be best, as it might neutralize extremely emotional
outbursts but still give you both an opportunity to discuss things with some
degree of privacy.
In the long run, it is always better to be as thoughtful and concerned about
your soon-to-be-ex's feelings as possible. Think about the reasons why you got
together in the first place and what it is you value about her as a person.
Does she not still possess many of the qualities that attracted you initially?
If so, it's important that you let her know that you still recognize them, even
though you are now firmly convinced that the relationship is not working.
If you do this in a way that is not designed to merely protect your own
feelings, you may find that your friendship may return someday and endure.
Being decent and fair means not pressing the advantage of being in the more
powerful position. And, as the one who is initiating the breakup, you are in
the more powerful position.
Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,
My best friend broke up with his girlfriend a couple of months ago, and
since I have always had a thing for her, I'm thinking about asking her out. I'm
concerned that he might get pissed, even though they are now pretty angry with
each other. What should I do?
Dear Up In the Air,
If this is your best friend, discuss it with him before you do anything. Feel
him out on the situation. Maybe he has strong feelings about this. Maybe he'll
deny it. You need to read his feelings on it. If you sense that he's uneasy
with the idea, you might want to back off, because this could indeed jeopardize
your friendship. Be careful.