by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a woman casually, in a non-dating atmosphere (lunch, going out with a group of people together, etc.) for a few months now. I feel that there is a mutual attraction here, but there is a problem. She's in the process of going through a divorce.

For all intents and purposes, her marriage is over with. But legally, she is still married. I'd like to take our relationship the next step, but I'm concerned about whether that is a good idea. What's your thinking on this?

-- In Limbo

Dear In Limbo,

There are a number of reasons why it is not a very good idea to, as you say, "take this to the next step." Divorce, or the severing of an intimate relationship, is a gut-wrenching and stressful experience. Despite the fact that your friend's marriage broke down some time ago, the fact that it is still legally binding means that she and her husband are still in the process of splitting up.

As a result, she will continue to deal with certain issues: emotional things, logistical things, legal things. You didn't mention if they have any children, but, needless to say, if they do, that is a huge element in what the divorcing couple are going through.

But even if there are no children, your friend is probably going through tremendous emotional stress. This makes her vulnerable, and you don't want to involve yourself with her on a romantic level while she is like this. It is not a good idea for her, and it will likely create all sorts of problems in the future.

In addition to not being a doctor, I am not a lawyer. Still, I have observed instances where an intimate relationship with someone new has been used as additional leverage in a divorce settlement. That may sound crass, but it must be considered.

So while your friend is dealing with these emotional, logistical, and legal issues, the best thing for you to do is just what you're doing. Keep things on a platonic basis. Be her friend and do not pursue a more intimate course. Traumatic events such as these need time to heal, and it would behoove both of you to allow that time and to not rush into something that has the potential for causing more stress and confusion.

This may take a year or more. But if you truly care about your friend and believe you two have a real connection, do the prudent thing and avoid embarking on a romantic course at this time. Being a good friend is the best possible foundation for a future intimate relationship. And being a good friend in this case is to wait and support her healing.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My friends and I have been discussing the Clinton/Lewinsky situation, and we feel that there is something incredibly weird about someone keeping an alleged semen-stained dress. Don't you think that, if this is true, there's something really weird about it?

-- Political Junkie

Dear Political Junkie,

Grow up! This is the '90s. Dr. Lovemonkey has closets and drawers full of semen-stained apparel, many items of which, like the party dress in question, are equally suitable for framing. Dr. Lovemonkey considers it a Proustian experience to cling to old, unwashed clothing.

For instance, I only need to place my honker in the general vicinity of one beer- and vomit-drenched garment to summon up lucid memories of a night spent crawling on all-fours at a local brasserie. Ah, yes, visions of what I saw under the table and up the skirts of my dinner companions come flooding back to me as if it were only yesterday. And, as a matter of fact, it was only yesterday.

While this practice may be costly in terms of having to constantly purchase new clothing, there are so many psychic rewards. It is not the aroma of a madeleine, but that of a Whopper with cheese uncharacteristically fumbled onto a favorite flannel shirt, that brings back memories of an afternoon spent doing, well, absolutely nothing.

Is it any wonder that the oft-told tale of a former governor of the state of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations fumbling through a dumpster at Walt's Roast Beef rings so true with sensualists like yours truly? Breathe in deeply, Political Junkie, and smell the sweat and urine, the Dijon mustard, and spilled Tabasco that may inhabit your own clothes hamper. And think of this, too -- there are savings at the laundromat and dry cleaners for those who wish to revel in the glories of the past.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend of two months has very bad hygiene habits. It's not like I'm a neatness nut, but I think that he is just too much. I think he brushes his teeth maybe once a week. And I don't know what kind of soap he uses when he showers (if he showers), but it doesn't smell like soap. At times, he tries to conceal this by using too much cologne. Is this hopeless, or can something be done? How should I go about telling him that he ought to "clean up his act," literally?

-- M.G.

Dear M.G.,

If your boyfriend is older than 9, there is a good chance that this is hopeless. Dr. Lovemonkey is trying very hard to imagine his other charms, the ones that have encouraged you to stick with this guy for two months in the face of this. I am coming up empty.

You might consider dumping him immediately and becoming a lesbian. Or you could begin each encounter with a demand that he shower with you. Then again, you could become a "sensualist" yourself (see letter from "Political Junkie").

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---