by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Here's my dilemma: I know a woman at work who is married. Recently, she told me that her husband was out of town at a convention for a couple of weeks and that she was feeling lonely. She suggested that we go out for an evening in a "just friends" sort of mode. On the one hand, this seems reasonable to me as long as it is as she says. But I get the nagging feeling that she might be looking for something else. Should I turn her down or should I go out with her?

-- Mr. Confused

Dear Mr. Confused,

Once again, Dr. Lovemonkey is in the position of not knowing very much about your relationship with this friend from work. If you are good pals and also friendly with the husband, then it does not seem like a terrible idea. However, Dr. Lovemonkey suspects that this is not the case. Your friend's use of the word "lonely" is a red flag to me.

This is one of those situations where you need to be bluntly honest with yourself, Mr. Confused. How attracted to this woman are you? Are you suspicious of her interest and motives? Judging from your letter, I'd say you are. If I were you, then, I'd pass on this before you find your little non-date spiraling into mutual groping in the back seat.

Frequently, Dr. Lovemonkey will go to lunch or dinner or to some sort of an amusement with the wife of a friend who is out of town or otherwise unavailable. But the context of these "dates" is everything. First, I'm friendly with the husband (usually more so than with the wife), and he is often the one who suggests that I accompany the missus. Second, I usually have known these people for a very long time, and our friendship is well-established.

In your case, it sounds like you are a friend of the woman's -- and not her husband's. If she were interested (even subconsciously) in a fling, you are a much more likely candidate than someone who is friendly with both of them. The whole thing has an air of danger around it, so I would just say, "Sorry, I'm really busy this weekend playing computer games and rearranging the sock drawer."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm not actually looking for advice, but I've been wondering about one of the more popular clichés in the world of romance and dating. It's that "you never can find a relationship when you're looking for one." Do you think this is true? If so, I may be a terminal case, because when I'm not in a relationship, I can't help but be constantly looking. Do I need to undergo hypnosis or something to change my ways, or is there something suspect about the famous cliché?

-- Constant Craving

Dear C.C.,

There is a certain amount of truth to the famous cliché, but it seems to me that the statement is far too general to be of much use. The reality is that most unattached people are on the lookout for a relationship. Dr. Lovemonkey does not believe that this, in and of itself, is detrimental. What is is someone who is "too needy" or looking for that relationship in order to make them whole.

In other words, if the fact that you are not in a relationship makes you feel seriously insecure or deeply unhappy and you are of the belief that you can't be happy unless you are in a relationship, then you are setting yourself up for a fall. You may actually hook up with someone, but you will become too dependent on that other person, which not only will keep you from growing but also place too much stress and responsibility on them.

So, while most singles are pretty much just like you -- constantly on the lookout for a relationship -- it is not a negative as long as you take care of yourself and find real meaning and happiness from within. When you are happy and healthy and getting on with your life, you are not obsessing over the fact that you are alone. You may have moments of loneliness and longing, but you are generally happy.

This is what is meant, I believe, when people say that "you won't find a relationship if you're looking for one." It's "desperate and needy" that is a turnoff and a roadblock to meeting others. You are at your most attractive when you exude happiness and an enjoyment of life.

Frequently, when people are actively searching out a relationship, they present themselves in ways that make it seem as though they won't be happy unless -- or until -- they have become involved in a relationship. It is this pattern that gives the cliché more than a kernel of truth.

This is also why people say not to rush into another relationship after a recent one has ended. You are usually feeling vulnerable and needy immediately after a breakup, and there is a likelihood that you will become involved with another person out of weakness rather than strength. And there is also the strong possibility that the person with whom you get involved will feed off your insecurity and unhappiness. End result -- unhealthy/dysfunctional relationships. Happens all the time.

So the cliché is not entirely accurate, C.C. But what Dr. Lovemonkey thinks is true is that we are all responsible for our own happiness, and when we grasp that fact and are working at functioning in that way, healthy relationships are more likely to crop up and flourish.

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