by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend and I are really close, but I have another female friend and I think that she has a crush on me. The thing is, they are really good friends, too. I cannot ask my girlfriend about it, because she will get suspicious. I also don't want to hinder their relationship with each other or the one I have with both of them. Help me!

-- Very Confused Matt

Dear Matt,

Even when one is involved in an intimate relationship with someone, it is not an unpleasant sensation to discover that others are attracted to you. This is just human nature.

However, problems would arise if you tried to exploit this situation or to act on that person's attraction to you. Among other things, it would be a betrayal of the person with whom you are intimate.

It seems that what you are telling Dr. Lovemonkey is that you find the attention you're receiving from your friend discomforting and that you would like to discourage her without hurting her feelings. If so, let me suggest that the next time you talk to your female friend (the one you suspect has a crush on you), let her know how much you value the intimate relationship you have with your girlfriend. Let it be known to her that your relationship is solid.

You don't have to be incredibly blunt about this, since you don't know for sure, but merely suspect, that she has a crush on you. Also, your instinct to not discuss this with your girlfriend is correct.

First of all, you don't know, but only suspect, that your mutual friend has a crush on you. It is certainly not necessary to share this suspicion with your girlfriend, especially if you believe that it will cause some sort of trouble. This may not end the crush your friend has on you, but at least it will let her know where you stand.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a really unique problem that is creating considerable stress in my relationship with my girlfriend of six months. (Let's refer to her as Perry.) From the beginning, I knew she was different from any other girl I had dated. Her mood patterns swing wildly, and in some strange way, I find that exhilarating.

Our sex life is incredible as well, and herein lies the real problem -- Perry loves to perform oral sex. She does it so well, in fact, that in my own limited experience (I have had only six other girlfriends who would, how do you say in a nice way, "complete the act"), it is by far the best I have ever had. And she enjoys it often. As do I.

Here is my dilemma -- Perry has been diagnosed with multiple personalities. And, previously unknown to myself, when she performs oral sex, Perry assumes the personality of Phil, a gay male. Being a straight heterosexual male, I am having a difficult time dealing with the fact that I am receiving sex from a male. And liking it. What advice do you have?

-- H.T.

Dear H.T.,

Dr. Lovemonkey considers this a "borderline letter." In other words, I'm not entirely certain that you're not making this up in order to present a provocative scenario.

Here is how I boil down the essence of your epistle: "My girlfriend has been diagnosed with a rare, complex, and dangerous medical condition. I'm primarily concerned with how this impacts the pleasure I derive from the blowjobs she's been giving me." Now, get out a dictionary and look up the word "callous."

For the moment, however, I shall suspend my disbelief and treat this as a legitimate inquiry. My response is that your discomfort at the knowledge that you're receiving oral sex from a woman who believes she is a man is rather insignificant compared to the difficulties and challenges presented by something as profound as a multiple-personality disorder.

This is a controversial and extremely serious diagnosis, H.T. That said, Dr. Lovemonkey must remind you that he is not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist of any sort, just someone who tries to dispense opinions grounded in what I believe is common sense and good manners. Therefore, I am not able to speak to or make assumptions concerning what is and isn't appropriate behavior around someone who has been diagnosed with a serious mental disorder. We're in an area far beyond dating etiquette here.

It would make sense that, if you were sharing a committed relationship with this woman, you also would be involved in whatever therapy she is receiving. Even if you are not, it is important for you to be educated about the nature of such a powerful disorder. Compared to her situation, your dilemma, if true (which, quite frankly, sounds like merely a challenge to your notions about "what it is to be a hetero"), is in the realm of the seriously trivial.

Your letter also suggests to Dr. Lovemonkey the notion that you are involved with this woman primarily because of the "great sex." If so, I'd suggest you start thinking about something other than your dick for a minute. Here are a few start-up suggestions: What is responsible human behavior? What is sexual exploitation? Is this a healthy relationship?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm 44 years old and have never married. My married friends (who are legion) are constantly trying to "fix me up" with someone, but to tell you the truth, I'm not really interested. I have a great career, an active social life, a lot of different hobbies, and pursuits that I'm involved with and a lot of friends. I feel pretty good about myself and enjoy my life, but I can't seem to convince my friends that I don't require a man in my life. Is there something wrong with me?

-- K

Dear K,

No.

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