by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a man consistently for the last year or so. He is 44 and I am 35, and our relationship started as friends just spending time together. Since then, it has evolved into a very close bond in which we are comfortable enough to tell each other everything.

But while we typically spend the whole weekend together and I know he is physically attracted to me, we have never had sex. He says it's because, for him, sex signifies a commitment he just doesn't know if he can make.

Recently, he told me that he has been in contact with a girlfriend he broke up with 15 years ago and that he is interested in reestablishing a relationship with her. She lives in California, has been married and divorced twice, and has children with two different fathers and a number of other issues that make the whole situation seem pretty unrealistic.

It feels like just as we are starting to get more serious, he has created this situation as one more roadblock/excuse to becoming more involved. I truly think we are soulmates, and I fell in love with him a while ago, despite his ambiguity. Should I ignore this latest "confession" (because it is so unrealistic), or should I cut my losses now and end any hope of this relationship becoming anything deeper?

-- Conflicted

Dear Conflicted,

Dr. Lovemonkey suspects that you are writing because you know the answer but need a little bolstering. The bond you feel with this man is apparently not as strong for him. Bad imbalance.

Whether or not he has any serious intention of pursuing a relationship with his ex-girlfriend is beside the point. For whatever reason, he is not willing to open up. Move on. This guy doesn't know what he wants.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been involved with a 29-year-old urban man for a period of six weeks. We met on the elevator one Sunday afternoon in the building where he and, coincidentally, my mom reside. My close girlfriend was with me at the time, and this handsome man with the bald head and pretty smile was friendly, jumping into a conversation between my girlfriend and me. As we departed the elevator and began to exit the building, he suggested that I give him my telephone number.

I did this gladly, feeling no pressure from him, and we began to communicate. Having a sincere attraction for him, I found myself becoming overly indulgent of the times we shared and looked forward to those moments -- particularly the way we were so natural with one another and the way we communicated and exchanged ideas and philosophies on life.

It was so loving that six weeks into this, I began to truly envision our being in a committed relationship. Nevertheless, the reason I am writing is because we had a little misunderstanding.

I accidentally answered his telephone on a Sunday morning. I went to make a call and there was someone already on the line. The woman on the other end of the telephone suggested that I wake him up, as it was imperative that she speak with him.

Being polite, I woke him to take the call. Afterwards, there was little to no conversation between us, and when we did speak, the tone was jovial but almost forced. He gave me the impression that he was very disappointed and that it was an error for me to have answered the telephone. Accidents happen. Ordinarily, I never would have invaded his or anyone else's privacy like that.

Apparently, it was his old live-in girlfriend calling that Sunday morning and demanding to talk to him. Had he been busted in an accidental way because I now knew about his old friend. Or was he in trouble with her now? Was it that he got caught on her end? Perhaps Dr. Lovemonkey can give me some advice as to what to do, if anything.

I haven't spoken with him since this ordeal took place. But there is a subliminal message that he is angry, despite the fact that he said everything was cool. He even gave me a kiss prior to my leaving the apartment.

One more thing -- after the call came and he spoke for a few minutes, he didn't ask me to leave but acted like he had on any other Sunday, watching TV while I cleaned up and washed his clothes, cleaned his bathroom, and things of that nature. When I do speak with him, do you think I should bring this up?

-- D.B.

Dear D.B.,

Well, you've certainly provided Dr. Lovemonkey with plenty of corollary information here. I, as much as anyone, understand how vital it is that Urban Man have his bathroom and clothes washed on a regular basis. Indeed, your indication that, after a six-week acquaintance with him, this has become a Sunday ritual for you suggests that Urban Man may be torn between his desire to discuss numerous philosophies of life with you and his need for consistent maid service.

Although you do not bluntly state it, you imply that you and Urban Man already have engaged in making the beast with two backs. And you say that you envision a serious committed and intimate relationship with him. If that's true, then it would behoove you to inquire what's up with his ex-girlfriend. If he's reluctant to talk about it or behaves as if he considers this to be a breach of privacy or etiquette, I would suggest to you that Urban Man sees you more in terms of a combo sexual partner/maid service/philosophical sounding board than someone he intends to share an intimate and committed relationship with. If he is not interested in honesty and openness, I'd start charging him for laundry service.

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