by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I was told recently by my roommate that her very nice and exquisitely beautiful friend wanted to go on a date with me. My main interest in an actual date, other than simple attraction, was that she was interested in me. We played a little phone tag, but then I found out that she has decided to read and follow The Rules.

Now, I'm assuming you've encountered this extremist, regressive, cultish tripe before -- according to The Rules, women are not supposed to show any interest in a man. So I now get one message for every three I leave, three days later. Worse, the date has not yet happened.

I like this woman and would love to have a relaxed and fun time with her, but knowing that book, I will not be able to. I do not want to "just walk away" with no reason, because I do not want to hurt her feelings or leave the impression that I wasn't interested. I also have little interest in being played like a trombone. What should I do?

-- N.S.

Dear N.S.,

When you finally reach this woman on the phone, tell her that you understand that she has decided to conduct all romantic relationships according to a book written by a couple of divorced hustlers. Tell her that you also have a book and that your book, The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli, has had a much longer shelf life -- almost 500 years longer. Encourage her to pick it up.

Because of its always pertinent perspective, The Prince is continuously available in paperback. What's more, it features some of the same advice as The Rules, but the writing is so much better. This is Dr. Lovemonkey's patented wise-ass advice. If you prefer a more thoughtful approach, read on.

Although Dr. Lovemonkey has not read The Rules, I do have some familiarity with this cultural phenomenon, having read a couple of book reviews and witnessed an appearance by the authors on Oprah. To be perfectly honest, I think this is all the in-depth research the tome in question merits.

For those unfamiliar with The Rules, it's ostensibly a manifesto on the most sure-fire method for unmarried women to snare a husband. The authors, a couple of upper-middle-class white women on the make and with too much time on their hands, suggest that methods like playing hard-to-get, keeping one's true feelings close to the vest, and making the man beg are the best ways to screen out the losers among prospective suitors.

Of course, their strategies are not bad advice for a woman whose primary concerns are economic status, power, and control. Indeed, if this is your concept of the essence of an intimate and loving relationship, then by all means, ladies, go by The Rules.

One of the reasons for the book's popularity, N.S., is the fact that issues of power, economics, and control are indeed real and important aspects of commitment and marriage. Because many women have paid scant attention to these elements, many have been burned. So, while Dr. Lovemonkey is, like you, quite skeptical about the overall value of the book, it is not entirely without merit.

It seems to me that the main problem with The Rules is that there are elements other than power, control, and money that go into loving and healthy relationships. And the authors don't seem to be interested in addressing, let alone understanding, these. If you think that the woman you are interested in is just undergoing a brief lapse in judgement, I'd get a copy of The Rules and prepare a critique for her on just where the book goes wrong. Be prepared, though, for her to cut you out entirely -- and to start dating Donald Trump.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been friends with a woman at work for almost a year now, a woman with whom I am really taken. I mean, not only is she a very attractive lady, but I have strong feelings for her because of her honesty, her sweet ways and true concern for others. We've never actually dated, but we've been out together with a group of friends and have had non-intimate lunches -- you know, the kinds of things that friends do.

Anyway, I started hinting around about my feelings for her when she broke up with a guy she was with (about two months ago) and I felt that she was responding in kind. I mean, she never indicated that she didn't enjoy the attention. I thought for a long time about what to do. Finally, I decided to face the possibility of rejection and opened up to her, letting her know how I really felt.

Basically, she told me that she was only interested in our being "just friends," like we've been. She's not acting weird around me or anything, but I can sense the boundaries she's setting up now. Can you give me any guidance here?

-- Frustrated but Still Hopeful

Dear Frustrated,

I would sit on it for a while. You may need to back off until you sense that she feels reasonably secure that your friendship can continue as before. That she has recently broken up with someone may have a lot to do with her attitude. She probably needs to regain her own strength as an individual. It's generally a really good idea to have a long period of time to oneself after the end of an intimate relationship.

Accentuate the friendship and forget about romance for now. People sometimes do change their minds about the "just friends" designation, but don't bank on it. Make the best of sitting in limbo.

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