by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My best girlfriend at school and I have been arguing over who is the biggest hunk -- Matt Damon or Leonardo DiCaprio. I say it's Matt Damon, who not only wrote the screenplay (with the almost equally cute Ben Affleck) for his big surprise-hit movie, Good Will Hunting, but has continued to be loyal to friends like Ben.

Even though I agree with my girlfriend that Leonardo is a pretty good actor, I think that her preference for him is just an outgrowth of Titanic-mania. I hate to think that such a good friend of mine would fall for this kind of blatant commercial manipulation, but it seems to be true. Also, Leonardo's forehead is too big. Can you settle this dispute?

-- Eve

Dear Eve,

No, I can't. But that is because the entire issue is of such momentous importance to me that I just can't seem to make up my mind.

I must admit, Eve, that Dr. Lovemonkey did almost fall into a trap once. It was something I came across a few years back, a concept I stumbled across that many of the great philosophers of both the West and the East were encouraging -- something called "having a life."

I spent a little time looking into this mysterious and shockingly peculiar concept, but I decided that it was not for me. It involved too much effort, and it frequently meant that I would miss entirely too much of "must-see TV." Anyway, it's so much easier to have ad copywriters, focus groups, and giant media conglomerates do all my thinking for me.

Cable television, the movies, the Internet, and all the fab amusements and consumer products widely available these days are of far greater importance to Dr. Lovemonkey. I cling to them, because, well, I believe virtually everything that advertising tells me. And that is the problem -- I just can't make up my mind whether it is Matt or Leonardo who is the capo tutti di capo hunk.

Dr. Lovemonkey is probably a bit older than you, which is why I feel compelled to say, "And what's the deal with Mel Gibson? Does he not deserve some consideration for, at the very least, revealing his buttocks in more than one film?"

I'm sorry that I can't help you with this puzzling dilemma, but right now I need to go visit my therapist. It seems that I have been slowly evolving into an ennui-ridden George Sanders clone, and my therapist is concerned that, at any moment, I will don a vintage 1950s parochial-school cheerleader's outfit and leap off a bridge. I have assured her that this is not the case. If anything, I'd be outfitted entirely in Tommy Hilfiger, with that all-important personal touch -- a turban worn at a rakish angle.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with a woman for almost a year now, and we are very much in love. I proposed to her more than a month ago and she has accepted. The problem is that she hasn't told her mother yet.

Everything is cool with my parents and we've actually been planning stuff for the wedding with them. But she's afraid to tell her mother because, first of all, her mother has never been very supportive of our relationship.

I think that the main reason for this is that Mom is a single parent and Sarah is her only child. They're really close, and I think that the idea of losing her daughter is really scary. But Sarah needs to tell her mother at some point, and she keeps putting it off.

Is there anything I can say or do to get Sarah to tell her mother about this? It's not like I'm worried that this will interfere with the wedding or anything. It's just that I think that it's a bad thing.

-- D.T.

Dear D.T.,

Yeah, you're right -- it's not a good thing. First off, I'd be interested in knowing how old you two are. The fact that your girlfriend is reluctant to confront her mother about this leads me to wonder if you might be rather young.

Regardless of age, the truth is that if you are embarking on a married life, there will be many situations in which you will need to discuss important and difficult issues that will not be all happiness and light. As you can see here, the fact that Sarah is avoiding talking to her mother about your wedding spells trouble.

Procrastination is a problem that most of us suffer from in varying degrees, but it is procrastinating about major issues, things that must be done, that are the most troubling. You might want to slow down the wedding plans for a while and talk very seriously with your girlfriend about her inability to deal directly with her mother.

As far as your feeling that Mom fears she'll lose her daughter, you could try to assure her otherwise. Sarah should be very insistent that the marriage will not damage their relationship, that it will just expand the family. You know, "not losing a daughter but gaining a son."

Good luck and really encourage Sarah to start talking to Mom immediately.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Don't you think that Senator Burton, who has been on Clinton's case because of the Lewinsky thing, is a big hypocrite? After all, he had a child with some woman who used to work for him and has kept it quiet all these years. Doesn't that make him an asshole?

-- El Sid

Dear El Sid,

No, what makes him an asshole is that he is a right-wing nutbag.

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