by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years and, boy, have we had our share of problems. I've left a couple of times because I was feeling like I wasn't getting what I needed. We have gotten back together for good, but we have now developed some other problems.

My boyfriend works very hard, sometimes too hard. He has been coming home very late at least two or three times a week. He says that he has needed to fix people's computers. But I have a hard time believing it, even though, in the past, he has never given me reason to doubt him.

The hurtin' part is that he doesn't bother to call and let me know where he is or whether he'll be late. I worry and get an ache in my stomach the whole time I'm waiting for him to get home. I think he's seeing another woman. But I have confronted him about this and he has assured me that he is not.

I don't know what to think. I'm so confused. I know I'm tired of wondering and crying over him. But I love him deeply and he says he loves me. Do you have any advice?

-- Tami

Dear Tami,

I assume that your boyfriend is in the computer-fixing business. If he were a chef or a fire fighter, your suspicions probably would be correct. Regardless, the crux of the matter is that he is neglecting to call when he knows he'll be late. Tell him (and be very firm about this) that this is unacceptable.

It is no great imposition to call someone, and it should be quite obvious to him that it is rude not to let you know when work will detain him. Also, since you already have confronted him about your fears of his being involved with someone else, he should get in the habit of calling in order to reestablish trust.

If he continues to ignore this request, I would start rethinking the relationship. It not only indicates a level of selfishness and thoughtlessness, but it implies that he is rather unconcerned about trust. There is no future to any relationship where there is a lack of trust, and, despite your feelings for him, if you don't really trust him, it's a dead issue.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a question for you. I have recently left a relationship of two years. I find myself thinking of him, especially in the evenings. Why? I don't want him back, because he was never there for me and my two children. Our love life was terrible.

Now there is a gentleman who is very interested in me. Please help me.

-- Virginia

Dear Virginia,

It is not unusual that your rational judgement (that the relationship was not working and that you made the decision to end it) and your emotional bonds are not on the same timetable. Your longing for your former boyfriend is part of the residue of those emotional bonds, part of the fact that when you are in a relationship, you leave yourself vulnerable. Rest assured that your rational judgement was undoubtedly correct and that, despite the fact that you have made a good decision, such emotional attachments do not dissolve so quickly. This is especially true for women.

The healing process does take time, and right now, your main concern should be getting back to being happy as an individual. It is probably a little too soon to get together with someone else. I'm not suggesting that you avoid him completely -- just take it very slowly.

Getting back in touch with yourself is the primary objective. And, obviously, you are still going through the throes of the breakup. Be cautious and keep some distance between you and any new prospects until you've reached the point where thoughts about your ex have sufficiently faded and you are feeling good about yourself.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm afraid I have no tortured "love problems" at the moment, but I do have a compliment for you. Getting reacquainted with the Phoenix after many years "out west," I accidentally hit your column rather than the article I meant to access (might as well tell the truth). Anyway, I thought that this was so very well-written, so very clever, and such a wonderful comparison of books that I had to say, "Well done."

Thanks for the break from the tedious academic article that I am writing!

-- G.A.

Dear G.A.,

How lovely to receive an actual fan letter. I assume that the literary comparison you refer to is the connection I found between Niccolo Machiavelli's The Prince and The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherry Schneider, two women who have appeared on television far more frequently than Mr. Machiavelli.

Of course, this could have something to do with the fact that there was a definite shortage of television sets in early 16th-century Florence, Italy. I know this is true because I checked Milton Berle's Web site to make sure that my timeline was accurate.

One can only speculate as to whether Niccolo, were he operating today, would've done Oprah. I do feel strongly, however, that the distinguished author of The Art of War would have found it easy to hook up as a stage combat consultant for Jerry Springer. I've always felt that inspired sword play is far superior to the rather pedestrian hair-pulling and bitch-slapping that passes for battle among Jerry's guests.

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