by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 28-year-old woman who works at a YMCA. I am involved in a serious relationship with a guy I have been with for more than a year. My problem is very complex.

Recently, a sexy older man (maybe in his late 30s) has been swimming and working out at the Y. There is no special dress code when working out in the weight room, so this guy swims and then works out with only a little sexy blue bikini bathing suit on!

I find myself lusting and staring at him constantly. I can't take my eyes off his erection. I am sure he is feeling very horny (as I am). How do I handle this?

-- Bikini Bathing Suit Lover

Dear BBS lover,

Dr. Lovemonkey was all set to discuss the fact that lusty thoughts and infatuations happen, even when someone is happy and satisfied with a good and loving relationship. Then the word "erection" appeared in your letter.

Regardless of "dress codes," the fact that a man is appearing regularly in the weight room of the Y with a pitched tent is probably something that has not escaped the notice of everyone else in the general vicinity. You would think that someone might have complained by now!

That you find this invigorating rather than discomforting or embarrassing is also of some concern. Indeed, questions regarding appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior immediately spring to mind. After all, while strutting about a gymnasium full of strangers in full arousal mode may be acceptable behavior among some species of vertebrates, in recent centuries the human race has not been one of them.

When someone finds himself noticeably aroused in mixed company, the arousee, if he is operating within the bounds of normal human pathology usually will attempt to disguise or hide this fact. Maybe Dr. Lovemonkey is an old fuddy-duddy unfamiliar with the current state of etiquette at the YMCA, but what is going on in Mr. Bikini's mind that he would traipse around the YMCA proudly sporting a woody? And what is going on in your mind that you would find this appealing?

My suggestion is that you get out a tape measure and get an accurate count on Mr. Bikini's protuberance. Multiply this by 20, and consider this the distance you should keep from Mr. Bikini at all times.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than a year now, and we are in love. Here's my dilemma: he has been encouraging me to find a woman to have a threesome with.

I'll admit that I am curious about what it would be like to have sex with a woman. But I am afraid that if we do it, it could ruin our relationship. In a way, I feel like I should try this since I am the only woman my boyfriend has been sexually intimate with, while I have had other partners.

Sometimes, I am nervous that he will wonder about other women and try to find out on his own, even though I know that he wouldn't cheat on me. Is it a good idea to share him and have this experience? Or should I just tell him that my final answer is no?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

Does your boyfriend own a small blue bikini bathing suit? I don't know if getting involved in a three-way sexual liaison would ruin your relationship, but it definitely would change things.

Sex with different partners is generally not about "relationships" but about sex as sport. If you both feel that sex can be dealt with on a sport level, that you are interested in experiencing sex on a sport level and can compartmentalize your relationship in this way, then go right ahead. But I get the sense from reading your letter that this is not something you have great enthusiasm for or interest in.

Also, it has been Dr. Lovemonkey's observation that if someone is interested in cultivating a strong, intimate relationship, "sex as sport" behavior tends to do damage. I imagine that some people can make this work; I just don't happen to know any of them. If your boyfriend is serious about this, you two should discuss what you see your relationship as and how you view sex.

Experience has taught Dr. Lovemonkey that people engaged in a relationship are happiest and feel most secure when they treat sex as an exclusive, special and meaningful act. When they try to compartmentalize it or have an "open relationship," misunderstandings, jealousies, and differences in attitudes toward sex intervene and usually wreak havoc.

Regardless of your philosophy on sexual relations, real people seem to function better within a monogamous context. The only polygamous cultures I am aware of have a subtext of sexual dominance by one gender or the other (usually male over female), and most of us reject that type of power imbalance. Without even bringing religion or the rearing of children into it, monogamous, exclusive relationships just seem to have more of an inherent balance and a greater opportunity for growth.

If you see your sexual relationship within that framework, the most likely result of your "having a threesome" would be the diminishing of the meaning and power of your relationship. The odds are bad.

I'd like to comment on one other thing you mentioned in your letter, because I think that a lot of people are tempted to think along the same lines. The fact that you are the only woman your boyfriend has been intimate with while you have had other partners is not a valid reason for getting behind the "threesome" scenario. Your relationship is about the two of you, not about your past histories.

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