by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

About two and a half months ago, I told a friend/acquaintance that I'd like to go out with him some time, as in "on a date." This was a courageous act, except that I waited until he was leaving on a two-month trip before making my announcement.

He was shocked that I liked him in that manner and said, "We would have to see," because he was going away for the summer. Before my "announcement," I told him that I had a "have a great trip" card for him, but I kept forgetting to bring it. So I called him two days before he left -- and a few days after I told him how I felt -- to see if I could give it to him. I left a message with his mother, but he never called me back.

Well, he came back to Boston about a week ago. And he hasn't called me. I haven't called him, but I would like to in order to reopen the friendship. At the same time, I do not want to make him feel uncomfortable.

I am a very straightforward person. I tell people "yes" if someone I like asks me out, and I say "no" and explain my reasons if I don't. And I have continued to have good friendships after explaining myself. Anyway, I just don't know what to do in this case. Please give me some advice.

-- Blunt But Nice

Dear Blunt,

Dr. Lovemonkey thinks that you may be putting too much emphasis on things like the "have a great trip" card. You've had too much time to think. After a proper interval (and two or three weeks seems appropriate), give him a call and say that you heard he was back in town. Ask if he'd like to get together for coffee or lunch or some other kind of sociable, not specifically "date-like" activity.

That way, little pressure is involved and you can reopen the friendship and get a sense of whether he's interested in a romance. If he is, you should be able to figure that out pretty quickly.

It could be that your friend is a bit shy, so you might have to reconsider your approach. Blunting your blunt manner might be helpful in the sense that opening up a romance is like a dance -- and immediately groping your partner on the dance floor can be bad strategy.

You've already let him know you're interested. Believe me, he hasn't forgotten that. Letting him know you're still around and still interested is about the most you can do. The ball would be in his court then, and if he's eager to play, you'll know.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm the guy who wrote to you some time back about going out with a woman who is reading The Rules. Thanks for the reply. Of course, if the woman or my roommate read your column, I'm toast.

Interestingly, what I find The Rules offer is not only financial security for women but emotional security. I actually have read the book a number of times (counterintelligence, ya know), and once I get past the rage factor, I do find some good advice for women who make bad choices.

I view it a bit like Marxism -- brilliant observation, faulty analysis, insipid conclusions. For instance, yes, men like a challenge and we prefer to pursue rather than to be pursued. But, case in point, this week I've called three times, waited nearly a week this time, and nothing. Men also can get discouraged and give up.

Just for follow-up: we went out about two weeks ago, had a lovely time (especially into the third pint, when we both began to loosen up), and agreed to meet again. Now nothing. Beats me.

Anyway, just wanted to reflect on what I originally wrote, because my thinking has changed a bit.

-- Nat

Dear Nat,

Thanks for the update, but maybe your Rules-oriented woman friend is expecting you to be a "bad choice" kind of guy. Don't disappoint her. Make that six pints and tell her that you've received a gift cigar from President Clinton and would like to know if she has any ideas about what to do with the stogie.

Here are some other ways to sabotage The Rules: Rule # 3 says that women shouldn't go dutch with their date. Well, go along with this and pay for everything. Then, at the end of the evening, tell her you need a $500 loan to make bail the next morning. Rule # 5 says to always end phone calls first. Don't let her get away with this. Call her up and say, "It's me," then immediately hang up.

Rule # 6 advises not to accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. So ask her out at exactly 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday. Rule # 7 -- always end the date first. Again, she can't end the date first if you get up from dinner in the appropriately swanky and over-priced restaurant she has chosen and duck out the fire exit.

Rule # 8 says to stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines Day. Hey, a very expensive nuclear-powered vibrator is a gift like no other. And if you can't find one on the shelves of your local 7-Eleven, try three tickets to the reconstituted touring company show of Oh, Calcutta. Just explain to her that the extra ticket is for the hooker you're bringing along for the threesome after the show.

Rule # 9 -- don't see him more than once or twice a week. Well, if you're constantly hanging around outside her house and place of employment, this becomes nearly impossible. Of course, after these amusing hijinks, your name undoubtedly will be mud throughout the entire community and you will never be able to go out with another woman again. That's the time to relocate. Hell, you had a great time and that's what it's all about.

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