by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a vegetarian. Not a full-blown vegan, but I don't partake in chicken, beef, pork, etc. While I won't get into any of the spiritual or health reasons why I have taken this path, I am wondering what your thoughts are on dating carnivores.

I've occasionally gone out with meat-eaters. And despite the fact that you can smell `em a mile away, I haven't had any big problems except when I talk to them about being a vegetarian. They seem to feel uneasy about this, possibly guilty about the fact that they themselves do not have the discipline to swear off meat.

What's interesting is that none of these relationships with meat-eaters has ever worked out. I don't know if it's me or them. When we go out for a meal, I don't insist that they avoid meat, nor do I proselytize about the benefits of vegetarianism. But the meat-eaters all seem to lose interest in me quite quickly. Do you think that I should confine my dating to other vegetarians? I'm about ready to give up on the meat crowd.

-- The Anti-Burger

Dear Anti-burger,

Anti-burger? Is that something like the Anti-Christ?

It's certainly possible for vegetarians and non-vegetarians to connect. But, depending on your ardor, it can cause some discomfort. All in all, it probably would help to know whether your reasons for shunning meat are primarily for spiritual or health reasons.

I say this because I believe that if one has chosen vegetarianism for health reasons, it may be easier to overlook or cope with what they see as a mate's unhealthy choices. For instance, there are many examples of smokers and non-smokers working through each other's habits.

Spiritual beliefs, on the other hand, carry much more weight in a person's life. Indeed, people with differing spiritual beliefs usually can't build a strong intimate relationship, as Dr. Lovemonkey believes that spiritual synchronicity is one of the essentials of good partnering.

For instance, if you are one who, out of a deeply felt connectedness to animals, wears shoes made of discarded cereal boxes, I would not counsel becoming engaged to Imelda Marcos or Ivana Trump. Then again, your letter merely addresses dating, and that's a different story.

Yes, it's conceivable that your carnivore dates are feeling guilty -- just as it's possible that you unconsciously exude some sort of self-righteousness. But having not been a fly on the wall (or a fly in the soup -- your date's soup, that is, as this could conceivably compromise your dietary standards) during your social engagements, I have no way of knowing if either of these is the case.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going out with this great guy for a couple of months now. We are sexually active and practically live together, even though he still has his own place. I feel very strongly about him and our relationship and I've told him so. But he hasn't really let me know how he feels about me.

I don't know if I should push this issue. He's not very good at opening up to other people -- or even to me. Overall, it's kind of important for me to get a sense of how he sees our relationship, but I don't want to intrude or piss him off by being pushy about this. Should I just drop this or is there some kind of technique that you know about to get him to open up?

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

A good "relationship" implies trust and openness and an ability to share thoughts and feelings. That everything seems to be fine so far does not mean that the relationship is going anywhere. Have you asked him how he feels about you? If you haven't, do. It is not some sort of intrusion on his space, because you already have started to carve out a space together.

If he's interested in having a meaningful, committed relationship with you, part of that is telling you how he feels. Yes, some people do have problems opening up to others and may need to be prodded a little. But your relationship isn't serious unless there is that sort of sharing. If he considers this an intrusion or is unwilling or incapable of opening up, then I would suggest that the relationship is going nowhere.

Until you get some sort of feedback, it could be that what you've got here is a casual friendship with added sexual fulfillment. Some people find this totally acceptable, but you have indicated that you would like this to be more.

So ask him how he feels and let him know that it is important to you, because the relationship is important to you and you'd like to know if there's any future here.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going with a guy who, I found out months after we starting seeing each other, is married. I know that he loves me, and he says that he wants to get divorced. But I am starting to think that it's not going to happen.

He has two small daughters (four and six), and I have a very good relationship with them. Unfortunately, my suspicion is that he will not divorce because he doesn't want to disrupt his daughters' lives.

I know that this was not a really good choice on my part, but I love him. And if he does indeed divorce and we can marry, I know that everything will be okay. Should I stick it out?

-- Gerri

Dear Gerri,

Stick out your butt, Gerri, so Dr. Lovemonkey can kick it. If he gets divorced and marries you, everything will be okay until he gets itchy loins and hooks into another extra-marital relationship. Trusting someone who has a history of deceit is a bad bet. Either accept your status as "the other woman" or cut loose from this guy and look for someone who shows a commitment to honesty in all his dealings.

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