by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been seeing a woman for more than two years now, and up until about two weeks ago, everything was going great. We have a really strong relationship, and we've never even had a big fight before. Even though we haven't made any plans, we also have been thinking about marriage, and this has been our plan.

Well, she's always seen me as the sweet, kind thoughtful guy I think I am. But two weeks ago, she found some adult videos I had. They are sort of kinky, and she was very upset. Now she seems to be reconsidering our whole relationship.

You must understand that even though I'm fascinated by the sexual activity, I don't really get off sexually on these things. I've already thrown them away and told her that I won't get any more. But she still is cold to me. She says that she wonders if I'm "normal."

I knew that she wouldn't approve of the videos, and that's why I didn't let her know that I had them. But what can I say or do now that will make her understand this shouldn't be such a big deal?

-- Worried About the Future

Dear Worried,

Sometimes when people are in love, they have a tendency to idealize each other. It sounds like that may have been the case with your girlfriend.

The fact is that we are all human beings with strengths and frailties, good smart parts and bad, dumb parts. What you should discuss is that she found one of your frailties, which is not that you were viewing adult videos but that you hid the fact from her and were deceptive.

Building the foundation for the type of relationship you two seem to want means that you need to make honesty, openness and trust priorities. You knew that she wouldn't approve of the videos, so you hid them from her.

In a sense, this can be seen as an experience from which you both can learn. She should see that you are not perfect -- no one is -- and that working through the disappointments is something that everyone must go through. You should see that concealing things that you know will upset her is not a great idea.

Many, many people indulge in pornographic materials, so the idea that you are not "normal" doesn't mean much. If you've promised not do this again, keep your promise. It sounds like it's no big deal to you, and I can believe that. What's important is that she believe that and be able to see this incident in relation to everything else she knows about you.

You are the same person. But it would appear that you have fallen from the pedestal she had you on. Ultimately, this may not a bad thing, but it might take a little time for her to get things back in balance because of the shock.

Let this be something that you can both learn from, and if the rest of your description of your relationship is accurate, things should still work out. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a truck driver from Utica, New York, working out of Rhode Island. Each week, my friend and I get the biggest kick out of your column. Here's my problem: my friend is a woman I have known for years, and she comes from a very strict family that knows where she is 24-7. (I need not go on.) I'm good friends with her parents, and they are not into this relationship at all. But I don't want to lie about everything going on with us.

She's outstanding in every way. She has a full ride to a school in Pennsylvania, a great opportunity. For someone from a small town who hasn't seen much, it would be unfair to ask her to go to a school near here. She's the type of person who tells me to shut up and gives me a kick in the ass when I need it.

I always thought seeing your unborn child in a woman's eyes was crazy, but let me tell you it's true. Well, I guess I'll start learning to like Amish foods.

-- Deer Hunter

Dear Deer Hunter,

So, what's the question?

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I know I shouldn't be, but I'm really jealous of my girlfriend. She works with a lot of young guys and I see her flirting with them and it kind of gets me going. When she goes out with her female friends (most of whom are single), I start worrying and thinking about what they might be doing.

She hasn't been unfaithful to me, and I haven't been unfaithful to her. But she constantly seems to be surrounded by what I consider hungry men, and she seems to really like it. She thinks that I make a big deal about this when I ask her where she's been and what she's been doing. But what can I do? She's a hot babe and she knows it. Am I wrong to feel this way?

-- Big Bill

Dear Big,

Stop visualizing that your girlfriend is out with every guy she comes across. You trust her, right? You believe that she should have a life in which she enjoys herself, right?

What's going on in your head stems from your insecurity, not from her behavior. Start using your imagination for more constructive purposes, such as coming up with ideas on how you can enjoy each other.

Enjoy the fact that other people find your girlfriend attractive and consider yourself lucky. Think about yourself and the things that you like to do. Possessiveness is a real relationship killer and only speaks to our own shortcomings. Have some faith in yourself, in her and in your relationship.

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