by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My girlfriend recently got a haircut and she keeps asking me how I like it. The fact is that even though I don't "dislike" it, it is startlingly shorter than how she wore it before. I'm straining to try and say the right thing here, but the fact is, I'm still getting used to it. Should I lie and tell her that I really love it, or should I continue to say that I'm still getting used to it?

-- Bobby

Dear Bobby,

Lie like a rug. Tell her it's the greatest haircut of all time and that you are considering getting a matching 'do just to show her how much you like it.

Actually, Dr. Lovemonkey understands how important a commodity hair is to almost everyone. I know this because I have none. I would think that the important thing here is how she likes it. And I imagine that, like you, she is still "getting used to it" herself and is therefore a little unsure of what she and her hair stylist have done.

My experience has been that to tell her the truth -- that you're still getting used to it yourself -- is of little consolation, even though that's what Mr. Logical Guy tends to do. Pointing out all the pluses of her new hairdo is something you could try. Perhaps you can see more of her face now, for instance -- and because you love her face, this is a plus. Try that approach.

People like their appearances to be validated by others, especially those closest to them. Realizing that, I hope that you come up with some positive comments. This is one of those areas where Dr. Lovemonkey is clearly as lost as you seem to be. Maybe some of our readers have suggestions as to what to do under these circumstances. Please feel free, dear readers, to enlighten both Bobby and the Doctor.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been in a very good and fulfilling relationship with my boyfriend for almost two years now. We enjoy sex frequently, but last week I accidentally opened the bathroom door and found my boyfriend masturbating. I was surprised and pretty disappointed in the sense that, instead of masturbating, we could have been having sex together. Is what he's doing normal?

I would have thought that, considering how passionate and loving our relationship is, there wouldn't be any need for him to be doing this. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I somehow feel that if he needs this sort of fulfillment from fantasy, then maybe I'm not enough for him. So, what's the deal with this?

-- Trying to Understand

Dear Trying to Understand,

He's a guy, and guys tend to be very big on whacking off. You are overanalyzing this, I think. Instead of worrying about your relationship, you should probably do some whacking off yourself.

As I said, guys really like to flog the dolphin, sometimes merely as a tension-relieving device. It seems that things are going fine for you two, and your suspicions that this is some type of commentary on your relationship are probably unfounded.

Our feelings about masturbation are frequently colored by some of the anti-pleasure aspects of our Calvinist cultural history. This can run very deeply and subconsciously. For instance, I was doing a radio show the day after the former Surgeon General of the United States, Jocelyn Elders, was relieved of duty by President Clinton. Purportedly, she had been removed for suggesting that we might want to look into instructing young people in masturbation as a way to lower the teen pregnancy rate. (In retrospect, it appears that Clinton viewed fellatio as a more promising policy.)

While I opined over the radio that Dr. Elders may have a pretty good idea here, my co-host, who was outraged at Elders, let slip a reference to masturbation as "self-abuse." So here was a perfect example of the deep-seated anti-pleasure bias. Where does one get the notion that masturbation has anything to do with "abuse," I wondered out loud. Well, maybe from the Biblical story of Onan, who supposedly was chastised for "spilling his seed."

This is one of those Bible tales that I don't buy. The idea that all sensual pleasure should be reserved strictly for pro-creation is not a concept to which Dr. Lovemonkey subscribes. Besides, if one were to take the story of Onan literally, it would still only have relevance for men, as a woman masturbating does not in any way disrupt the production of eggs. When I made this point, my co-host went red in the face and refused to reply. Weird stuff, huh?

Anyway, whacking off is a "so what" kind of thing and shouldn't be perceived as any type of threat to your relationship. Try it yourself -- you might like it.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been married for almost five years, and while my wife and I have a good sexual relationship, I'm thinking about hiring a male stripper. My thought is that this might enhance the sexual dynamic between us, as I have actually had the experience of watching a stripper and then going home and having really good sex with my wife. She seems to be behind it. What do you think?

-- Heating Up

Dear Heating Up,

If you both think that this will be good, then go for it. Of course, you probably don't want to have the male stripper "behind it" to the extent that he might end up behind you or your wife, so I'd keep the situation visual rather than getting into more complicated areas like, "Can I grab his unit?"

But maybe that's just my conservatism showing. Personally, a barefoot woman beating me at Jeopardy and then with catalpa leaves is all it takes to turn me on. The main thing is that you both operate on the same page here. Then, if things don't work out the way you hoped, there won't be any blame or recriminations visited on either of you.

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