by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What is the average size of the male penis? This has been bothering me for some time now, and it is related to my other question, which I guess is one of the age-old ones: does size really matter?

-- Mr. Curious

Dear Mr. Curious,

I could tell you that the average size of the male penis is certainly larger than the average size of the female penis. But then I would be accused of engaging in that recent Clinton-era fad -- "parsing." As has been stated in this column many times before, Dr. Lovemonkey is neither a doctor nor a monkey. Still, my reading on the subject has indicated to me that the average size of the erect penis is somewhere between 4 to 6 inches.

As to your other question, size does matter. But why it matters is, by far, the more important question. The main reason why is because of male insecurity. You see, regardless of how seemingly secure, thoughtful and intelligent a man is, unless he is endowed with a whale-sized protuberance, he worries sometimes about the size of his penis. So it matters because the male obsession with the penis causes insecurity, stress and a distorted sense of what is and isn't important.

I think that it is fair to state that a larger penis size may have greater potential for giving sexual pleasure in the same way that someone with a lot of money may have greater potential for comfort. This may not be the best metaphor in the world, but Dr. Lovemonkey believes that there is some truth to it.

Many people with plenty of financial resources are unhappy, as their wealth in no way assures joy and comfort. Similarly, if Mr. Big Dick is not concerned with his partner's sexual pleasure or does not evince some effort to try and please that partner, his largeness basically becomes a mere cosmetic appendage. Sex is much more than a matter of equipment, and what it means to be a man or a woman is much more than the measurement of body parts.

Desire, fantasy, the dynamic of giving and receiving pleasure and many other emotional and highly personal elements influence our sexual pleasure. What is sensuous in and to people is hooked up in a lot of mystery. Also, when it comes to cultivating and sustaining intimate, in-depth relationships, what is sexual between people should become more profound, so you will notice that the deeper the relationship, the less important issues of size are, be it breasts, penises or whatever.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I met this guy I'll call "Tim" at a club one night. We hit it off right away, as if we had known each other for years. I went home with him, and although I figured it was probably a one-night-stand type of deal, he called me about two days later and we've been seeing each other ever since.

Anyway, it turns out that Tim isn't exactly the person I thought he was. He hangs out at strip clubs and has admitted to me that he's actually seen prostitutes a couple of times. He also has a collection of porn videos, and I think that he owes money to other people.

He's really mysterious about where he goes a lot of the time, so, finally, I broke it off with him. Even though he was a lot of fun and we really connected with each other, this other stuff about Tim was just too weird or lurid for me to deal with.

Well, after we didn't talk to each other for a couple of weeks, Tim called me and begged to see me. He came over and told me that he'd been working on changing his life. And, so far, I have to say that he's been really good, better than he ever was before.

This has been the case now for almost a month, and we're talking about his moving in with me, although I don't think so. Not yet. How long do you think it should be before I make that kind of decision?

-- Wondering What to Think

Dear Wondering,

Your description of Tim sounds straight out of a social pathology casebook. A few weeks or months is nowhere near enough time to judge whether someone has turned over a new leaf, particularly when the old side of the leaf has such viscous encrustments.

If you really believe that Tim is capable of the sort of dramatic change he claims to be undergoing, I would suggest that you try couples counseling. If he's really serious, he will embrace this sort of suggestion and you'll have the opportunity to address all sorts of issues with a more objective and trained third person.

No way should you even entertain the thought of Tim's moving in. It will take months before you get a sense of whether this amazing conversion is actually real. It could be that he is working on himself, but you and he shouldn't fool yourselves into thinking wholesale lifestyle (and I hate that word, "lifestyle") changes can occur so quickly.

I would keep some distance from him. Explain that what he's trying to do will take time -- and make sure he's doing this for himself and not because he wants to please you, because if that's his motivation, it will eventually fail. These are issues that would come up in couples counseling, which, once again, I would suggest.

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