by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've gotten myself into a bind, and I'm wondering if you have any advice on how to handle this. I have a really good friend named Carole who has been one of my best friends for many years now. We do a lot of things together -- go out to dinner, go to the theater, go skiing, etc. Well, anyway, the point is that we are platonic friends who have never been involved in a romantic relationship.

A few weeks ago, I met a woman, Annie, and we really hit it off. I like her a lot and she seems to like me a lot. We've only been out once, but we have been talking to each other just about every day on the telephone. This is definitely building toward a romance which I am very interested in.

Anyway, the problem is this: Annie has invited me to Christmas dinner and I really want to go. But, a long time ago, I told Carole that we'd do something together on Christmas Day, like we've done for the last several years. So far, I have put off giving Annie an answer, as I don't know how to explain this other situation to Carole without hurting her feelings and disrupting plans. Also, I'm not even sure if I should, since I'm already committed to doing things with her.

On the other hand, if I tell Annie that I already have plans with someone else, I don't want her to get the wrong idea about my relationship with Carole, who is basically a good buddy. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should handle this situation?

-- Caught In the Middle

Dear Caught In the Middle,

Your friendship with Carole has some history to it, and it sounds like it is important to both of you. The new romance may or may not take off, but the fact is that this is about loyalty and friendship.

Explain your friendship with Carole to Annie. Loyalty to friends is a positive character trait, and she should see it as such. In fact, Dr. Lovemonkey thinks that a good romantic relationship means that both you and Annie should be able to maintain all your other friendships. The way it should work is that male and female friends of Annie's become part of your circle of friends and your male and female friends become part of hers. Certainly, the dynamics of those friendships, though, will change a bit.

It sounds like neither you nor Carole has been in a romantic relationship and that, in lieu of that, you two have spent a lot of time together. That's likely to change a bit, and Carole may feel hurt by this. But if your relationship-in-waiting with Annie is to work, she will need to see your loyalty to your friendship as a good thing. Keep your obligation to Carole and continue to see Annie.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There's this guy I know at work and I really have the hots for him. We've kind of kept our relationship on a flirting level because he's married. I'm not sure if he wants to get beyond the flirting level, but I sure do. Should I be a little more aggressive and forceful?

I know it's probably not a good idea to get involved with somebody who's married, but I really, really go for this guy.

-- Bowled Over

Dear Bowled Over,

That's right -- it's probably not a good idea. As a matter of fact, it's definitely not a good idea. So get a grip on your nether regions.

Among other things, think about what the implications could be for your work life. Go to the library and check out any of the zillions of articles about a similar relationship between one William Jefferson Clinton (married man, father, president of the United States) and co-worker Monica Lewinsky. Think of all the wonderful things that have happened to these two because they decided to toss caution to the wind and orally consummate their mutual attraction.

Forget about this crush on a married person. For a little bit of sexual pleasure, you will almost certainly sow a reaper crop of problems and pain for both of you. Keep your eyes peeled for someone who is single.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been living with a guy for almost six years now, and for the last three months, he's been hanging around with this younger woman who works in the building next to his. They have lunch together all the time, they talk on the phone and they e-mail each other.

He tells me that she's really just a great friend, but I think there's more to it than that. I've asked him point-blank if anything is going on and he has denied it. But he also has no intention of curtailing his friendship with this woman.

Am I being unreasonably jealous or suspicious? He knows how I feel about this, but he pooh-poohs all of my objections and I think that I'm starting to sound like a nag. What's up with this anyway?

-- Jane Doe

Dear Jane Doe,

This sounds suspicious to Dr. Lovemonkey as well. Having an intimate relationship with someone means that both parties should be concerned with each other's happiness. That he knows this makes you unhappy and is unwilling to alter his behavior indicates to me that he's not acting like someone who cares about your happiness.

Why don't you suggest couples counseling and see if he's willing to do that? Such a suggestion could shock him out of his complacency and thoughtlessness. And if he's not willing to work on this, Dr. Lovemonkey thinks you ought to dump him.

Whether or not he's involved in a romance, a flirtation with romance, or merely friendship is beside the point. If he knows it makes you unhappy and won't change, there's something wrong.

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