by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been in a live-in relationship with a man for a couple of years now and we are planning to marry. What's held things up is that he is starting on a new career and we are waiting until he gets a bit more established before we feel financially secure enough to make the move. But in recent months, I've noticed a growing problem with my fiancé.

Increasingly, he has been leaving his dirty clothes on the floor. I am constantly picking up his shirts, pants and underwear, which he'll take off and leave on the bedroom floor or over a chair in the kitchen. If I don't pick up these items, they stay where they are. And if I beg him many times, he finally will put things away. But this is getting pretty old.

I have told him on a number of occasions that I find this slob stuff unacceptable. In response, he usually brings up the fact that I don't always put caps or covers securely on containers in the refrigerator. Personally, I don't see where the two issues are related. How can I train this guy to pick up after himself?

-- Sick & Tired

Dear Sick & Tired,

Unfortunately, you have stumbled upon one of the classic traits of most men. To some extent, it is a matter of priorities. You see, for many men, it is not a high priority to have clothes placed properly in the correct receptacles (hampers and such). However, it is a very high priority for them to have food ready to be stuffed in their face as quickly and conveniently as possible.

To the logical woman, slob behavior might seem like a definitely trainable area, but Dr. Lovemonkey has come to the sad conclusion that the astonishing behavior of the male you have described is actually an immutable law of nature.

One strategy that you may wish to employ is the domestic strike, but I must warn you that you need to have the stomach for it. Let his clothes stay right where he has tossed them. And after a week or two, the piles of dirty laundry will become so evident and unsightly, he may get the hint. I must say, though, that this technique rarely works and sometimes leads to what we call in the phony therapy world a "Mexican standoff."

You may attempt to train him, but this, too, probably will turn into a thankless task. So if this seriously upsets you, you might want to reconsider -- or, at the least, hold off -- on the marriage plans.

What we're talking about here is a clash of values. You value an orderly house and he does not. He values an uncontaminated food supply and you don't. If everything else in your relationship is acceptable and positive, then you probably need to learn to tolerate each other's behavioral tics. Maybe some of our readers have been confronted with this very same issue and have found a technique that works. If so, Dr. Lovemonkey would love to hear from them, as he has yet to discover a successful method to deal with this age-old problem.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I met this guy on the Internet, and over a number of months, we got to be very friendly. He lives almost 500 miles away and I thought that we'd never meet. But we exchanged photographs and finally, after about five months, made arrangements to meet in a city that was about equidistant from where we both lived.

When we saw each other, my feelings just poured out. We ended up getting a room in a hotel and spent the afternoon having sex. Later, we had dinner and went home.

The problem is that when we communicate with each other on-line now, he is very standoffish. When I suggest that we get together again, he keeps coming up with excuses for why we can't. I have even offered to go all the way to his town, but he still puts me off.

What's up with this? If he doesn't want to see me anymore, why doesn't he just tell me straight out? I thought that we hit if off really well and am still interested, but I don't know what's wrong with him. Have you got any ideas?

-- Confused and Hurt

Dear Confused and Hurt,

Yeah, I've got one big idea. The guy was horny and wanted to get laid. This is a scenario that has taken place in bars and nightclubs for years, and the popularity of the Internet gives such genius-types another weapon in their arsenal.

Some people get the notion that because on-line relationships differ from the wham/bam of the club variety, they are a new animal altogether. Certainly, it takes a bit more patience on the part of the predator. I mean, he actually must spend a number of weeks or months wooing his prey through e-mails and chat rooms. Still, it's pretty much the same old story. So forget about it.

I hope that your sexual adventure was at least gratifying, but it probably won't go anywhere. If you're looking to have a more lasting relationship with someone, whether you meet them on-line or elsewhere, it would behoove you not to start things out at the nearest hotel. Someone looking for a real relationship will be willing to take their time.

As far as Dr. Lovemonkey's concerned, getting laid is okay if that's what you're interested in. The fact that on-line relationships leave a whole lot of time for people to fantasize does not necessarily mean that immediately jumping into the sack is a great idea. You still don't know that much about the person. And if you're looking for something more, you still need to do it the old fashioned way.

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