by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I had a really queasy feeling about your response to "Bewildered" in your column two weeks ago. (Bewildered was writing about her boyfriend, who has an interest in serial killers and other bad-taste phenomena.) If you haven't done so already, consider having a very well-credentialed, mental-health professional take a look at that letter with you. Call me if you wish (I am a licensed clinician), but, by all means, get more than one opinion.

Frankly, without knowing the individuals involved, it would be reckless of me to draw any definitive conclusions. Still, I do think there are enough "hints" to warrant more than a little caution. After all, she knows him better than we do, and even she's not so certain that this is simply a matter of "bad taste."

What she explicitly states is that she perceives in her boyfriend a noteworthy preoccupation with a homicidal, sexually sadistic serial killer (among other things) and that she doesn't want to "break up with him." Wouldn't it be a shame to toss off a guy with all those other sterling qualities? I hope I haven't fallen prey to clinical masturbation, but I do think it's worth another look.

-- Marc

Dear Marc,

I can understand your concern, and, certainly, one thing is true -- we don't know the individuals involved, so drawing conclusions is difficult.

As you know, Dr. Lovemonkey felt that this was more a matter of style than substance. I based this on Bewildered's assessment that "I have never seen any indication that he is violent or even thoughtless or unkind. In fact, he's a very sweet and nice person." That and the fact that Dr. Lovemonkey is familiar with a number of people who have a real interest in violent and dangerous pathologies.

One famous example is Baltimore-based film director John Waters. Having followed his career for many years, I gather from all available information (and there is plentiful documentation of this) that Mr. Waters is a genuinely kind and generous person, beloved by the many people who have known or worked with him over the years. He is also deeply interested in the same things as Bewildered's boyfriend. In fact, Waters's hobby is to attend the trials of notorious criminals, and on occasion, he has befriended killers and dangerous psychopaths. This has to do with his deep aesthetic interest in the morbid world of the abnormal.

It seems to me that this is what Bewildered's boyfriend is about. There was nothing in the letter that I found alarming. But, then again, we don't know these people. Of course, it is possible to read between the lines and suspect that there is more here than meets the eye.

Surely, if Bewildered senses any unusual or disturbing behavior in her boyfriend, she should make sure it is dealt with by mental-health professionals. But I didn't sense anything like that in her letter. Overall, I do not believe that interest in serial killers and the like is that unusual or disturbing, mainly because I know so many people who share that interest.

Dr. Lovemonkey himself watched almost every minute of the televised trial of Ted Bundy, and was fascinated by the twisted thinking of this very sick man. My guess is that Bewildered just doesn't share this interest and wonders if she should be alarmed. Unless there is some sort of behavioral connection, I think not.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm an attractive young man (28) with an exceptional "bod" who really likes to dance. Although I'm gay, I like to dance with both men and women, and I frequent both gay and straight clubs. The problem is that when I go to straight clubs, women frequently hit on me after I dance with them. I don't think it's necessary to announce my sexual orientation, but I would really like to avoid this embarrassing situation. Got any idea about how to do that?

-- T.

Dear T.,

Get over yourself, you big stud muffin. You obviously are sending out some sort of sexual aura when you dance, and if you're going into straight clubs, this situation will keep cropping up. The same can be said for straights who hang out at gay clubs and dance -- there is a strong likelihood that someone will approach them.

On the extremely rare occasions when Dr. Lovemonkey (who is straight) has been approached by gay men, he considers it truly complimentary, just like when a woman approaches him, which is also extremely rare. Then again, Dr. Lovemonkey is not as young and attractive as you are, and being approached by a gay man is actually even more complimentary, as it's been Dr. Lovemonkey's experience that club-going gay men have a higher standard of attractiveness than most heteros.

Since clubs are well-known meeting grounds for potential partners, it should be assumed that the possibility for such interaction exists the moment you walk in the door. It's ridiculous for a straight person to take umbrage at such an approach (especially if he or she has been dancing it up in a gay or lesbian bar) and the same holds true for the gay or lesbian person who's shaking butt in a predominately straight joint.

If it really bothers you, my suggestion would be to either alter your dancing style (stupid, but maybe helpful) or avoid straight clubs. If you feel you're being too aggressively pursued, just tell that person that you're gay. If that upsets the pursuer, then he/she is an idiot.

Reasonable people don't glom on to everyone who hits on them, and I suspect that you have experienced come-ons from guys to whom you weren't particularly attracted. What do you do in those situations? There is a way to gracefully rebuff advances, and if you are skilled at gracefully rebuffing male advances, I suspect that the same technique would work with women.

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