by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Have you seen the Web site, http://www.lovemore.com? It's dedicated to the concept of polyamory, which is described as "maintaining loving relationships with more than one significant other at a time." Frequently, the relationship has a sexual component.

I've been reading your column for some time now, and it would seem that you'd be down on this sort of thing. I think that you should give it a chance. Check out the Web site and think a bit more about it.

A lot of the jealousy, possessiveness and stupidity we find in relationships is largely due to the narrow and limiting context of your basic one-on-one monogamous relationship. Judging from this Web site and others like it, lots of young people today are willing to try some new things and experiment with other options. I think that this is a good thing. I'd be interested in knowing your thoughts about this, although I think that I can already figure them out.

-- Adventurer

Dear Adventurer,

I think that you should change the modifier "frequently" when discussing this phenomenon to "almost always." Actually, the desire to challenge monogamy as the be-all and end-all of relationships is nothing new. In my own lifetime, the Beat Generation and the hippies challenged conformity in this way.

So Dr. Lovemonkey is not necessarily "down" on this, but I do think that it's rather naïve to assume that jealousy and possessiveness are "largely due" to monogamy. Jealousy and possessiveness are simply regrettable elements of human nature. They are based in our insecurities and self-centeredness, but they are not traits supported by or stemming from monogamy.

For argument's sake, let's not even address procreation or the rearing of children here, but limit our consideration of polyamory (who comes up with these words, anyway?) to loving relationships. Altering centuries of social conditioning is a daunting task. I salute those who wish to take it on. But, all in all, it's been Dr. Lovemonkey's experience and observation that most humans are not up to the task of living out a Utopian concept.

That's one stumbling block. And here's an observation: the one-to-one monogamous relationship, when worked at and done correctly, is a lifelong process. And this commitment brings with it an astonishing depth that is life-affirming in the most positive way, something that cannot be attained casually or without hard work. As humans, we are screw-ups, and we will certainly screw this up to some extent.

Because there are far more bad examples than good examples, it's easy to see why lots of people feel that the problem is in the institution of marriage or the concept of monogamy itself. Dr. Lovemonkey does not believe this, though. He thinks the fault is not in our stars, dear Brutus, but in ourselves.

In order for polyamory to work, everyone needs to be on the same page with each other, and it's hard enough to get two people on the same page together. If we are to be bluntly honest here, I believe that we should acknowledge this new/old phenomenon in the more appropriate terminology of "Let's get laid with a whole lot of different people" or "It's orgy time."

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been living with my boyfriend for two years now (we've been together for about three and a half), and it is pretty clear to me that he had a one-night stand with some bimbo about a month back. Two people (who aren't eyewitnesses, but are in a position to know) have confirmed this for me.

I've confronted my boyfriend with my suspicions, but he won't own up to it, although he does say that he did something that he shouldn't have. He just won't specifically acknowledge that he boinked her. He knows that I know, but I think he's going as far as he can and hoping that the whole thing will blow over. Well, I'm pissed and I want a confession. Do you know of any techniques that I might use to force one out of him?

-- Jane Doe

Dear Jane Doe,

I read the newspaper every day, so this story has a familiar ring to it. We'll get to that later, but first I would like to thank you for singlehandedly trying to bring back the word "boinking." That tops "making the beast with two backs" in my book every time.

Now, if this guy knows that you know (and you sound like you're pretty sure on this), then he is a serious wimp and I would reevaluate my relationship with him. Not because he has "sinned" (as this guy from Arkansas I saw on TV who was in a similar situation put it), but because he won't come clean with an honest admission.

If you are committed to each other and the relationship and are willing to work at it, you might get through this, but not unless he comes clean. I think that you are absolutely accurate in your belief that he's waiting for the whole thing to go away. But let's face it, there's no future in hanging on to someone who's operating on such a cowardly level. Start packing your bags.

In the meantime, "Jane Doe," if my suspicions are correct and you have substituted "boinking" for "hum job" and your real name is Hillary, let me add my voice to those who are encouraging you to run for the Senate in New York when Daniel Patrick Moynihan vacates his seat. If I'm wrong and you're not who I think you are, consider moving to Georgia and running for Bob Barr's House seat. Actually, I'd implore anyone with a pulse, half a brain and a conscience to do that.

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