by Rudy Cheeks

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We've been having a technical problem with Dr. Lovemonkey's e-mail off and on for a couple of months. This has been repaired now, but if you sent e-mail to the Doctor during that time and have not seen your letter in print, it could be because we didn't receive your transmission and we encourage you to try again. Thank you.

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Dear Dr, Lovemonkey,

Maybe this really isn't a problem, but I wonder if there's something wrong with me. I'm a gay male in my 40s who is attractive, intelligent, educated, and with varied interests and a handful of great female friends. What I don't have is a boyfriend, partner, lover, whatever you choose to call him.

I haven't had a date in ages, and I have been told more than once, in a kindly fashion by men in their 20s, that I'm "old." Most of the men my age in whom I'm interested are either not interested in me or have partners. Even looking through the personal ads, I notice that most requirements are for 21-year-old, blond, blue-eyed college jocks with specific body measurements -- none of which describes me.

As the years go by, I find myself building a wall to protect myself from the rejection that inevitably happens. So where does that leave me? Where do I go? Where are the men? It scares me to think that I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

I participate in many social activities, including those involving the arts. But, ironically enough, I seem to meet plenty of nice, attractive (but straight) men. And let's not even talk about sex - that stopped years ago when I watched some of my dearest friends die of AIDS and vowed that would not happen to me.

I'm looking for companionship and friendship. I want to connect emotionally first, before sex even begins to enter the picture. Sex was never the major priority with me anyway. And, sad to say, maybe that's where the problem lies. That's all that anyone seems to want these days, without any other connection to go with it. Do you think there are others out there going through the same thing?

-- Sad and Frustrated

Dear Sad and Frustrated,

There are absolutely many other people out there who share your frustrations. It's also a common phenomenon among straight people in their mid-30s and older.

Considering your thoughtful and mature approach to relationships, you apparently have figured out already that the bar scene and the personals are generally not fertile grounds for someone with a sensibility like yours. In those arenas, it has almost always been "about sex."

Here in Rhode Island, there is a very active and diverse lesbigay community and a marvelous monthly lesbian and gay newsmagazine called Options. In the back pages of Options, you'll find a wide range of social, political and educational groups that meet regularly. One that I am aware of is called "Network," a group whose members are in your age and interests range.

I know about this organization because, in the past, I've been invited to speak at a couple of their meetings. They are a great bunch of guys, and I can highly recommend this group.

There is also a fabulous monthly event called "Gay Bingo" sponsored by AIDS Project Rhode Island. Even if you're not interested in bingo, this is a great time that regularly draws hundreds of (mostly gay and lesbian) folks to the Riviera Bingo Hall on Elmwood Avenue in Cranston.

To subscribe or to find out where to pick up Options, write to P.O. Box 6406, Providence, RI 02940-6406, call at 831-4519, or e-mail at GAYOPTIONS@aol.com. To get information about Gay Bingo, call 831-5595.

You're not alone -- the men are out there, and it's just a matter of connecting. Good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 24-year-old man teaching at a public school. I have been single for about six months, and I am finding it frustrating when I go out at night. First, I was wondering if you knew of any bars, clubs, night spots in the Providence area where 21- to 26-year-old professional women hang out.

Second, I was wondering what would be your advice on how to meet women at these places. As an example, how to start a conversation. Once I get to that point, I feel I can hold my own. It is just difficult for me to get the ball rolling.

-- Jacob

Dear Jacob,

And here is the straight side of the equation. As I mentioned to Sad and Frustrated, the challenge of where to look for potential romance is pretty widespread, and you, Jacob, are living proof of that.

Unfortunately, the aging Dr. Lovemonkey is not as well-versed in where straight 20-something females hang out in Providence. I suspect that a couple of good places to start would be the Hot Club in the Corliss Landing area (near the newly opened Point Street Bridge) and the Atomic Grill on Chestnut Street in the Jewelry District.

Of course, one of the problems with clubs is that the noise level is frequently such that it is rather difficult to start a conversation. So I'd also recommend one of Providence's quieter and cozier spots -- the Custom House, downtown in the banking district.

Indeed, sparking up a conversation where the music is booming can actually hinder your chances, as there is something about yelling into someone's face that signals an invasion of personal space and almost requires an aggressive posture. This is not exactly conducive to meaningful (or even playful) conversation.

But if you are a music fan, you can always check out the Phoenix for engagements by bands or musicians you like and then go to those shows. That way, you may have at least one thing in common with the women you might meet there -- i.e., you both like this music.

Personally, I always like to introduce myself by barging in on someone else's conversation by loudly proclaiming, "I really love that spicy Saskatchewan food."

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