by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My ex-boyfriend of three years broke it off with me about six months ago because he joined the Navy. Then I found out that he got back together with his ex! I didn't make it a real big issue. I got a new job about three months ago, and my boss (he's 21) asked me out.

We dated for about two or three months, but for some reason, I was extremely shy around him, to the point where it was ridiculous. I never really felt comfortable around him. Plus, I found out that he's always smoking weed and drinks a lot, which I don't like. So we really didn't go out much, because he always wanted to go to his friend's house to party.

Now we don't even talk anymore. I'm at a new job now, and a guy has a crush on me already. I'm 20 years old, he's 25. We have lots in common, but from my past experience, I'm not sure whether I should have a relationship with someone I work with. What do you think?

-- Hedi

Dear Hedi,

Let's back up here for a moment and gain a little perspective. "Joining the Navy" is not really a legitimate reason to break up with someone. Obviously, he was not committed to his relationship with you, so good riddance to him. That he got back together with his ex may be bad luck for her.

Your question about going out with people at work is always a judgement call. It is usually not a good idea to go out with your immediate boss or someone you directly supervise because of the power imbalance. That you never felt comfortable around your boss indicates that he was rather forceful in pushing the relationship and/or that you felt pressured into succumbing to his overtures because he was the boss. His behavior sounds predatory -- not a good situation, as you seem to have figured out already. (Dr. Lovemonkey also wonders what sort of business is being conducted by someone who is "always smoking weed.")

If this new person you've met at work is your boss or vice versa, I would be extremely careful. Many people have fulfilling and successful relationships with coworkers, but these unions call for ground rules and structure. This is especially true when a supervisory relationship is involved. Indeed, the overlapping can cause your personal or work life to suffer, sometimes both.

The other thing is that you've just started this job. If you find that you like it and would like to continue working there, there will be plenty of time to develop a relationship with your new coworker. Proceed slowly. Get to know this person better before jumping into an intimate relationship. What if you find that you really like your job but not the relationship? It might make things uncomfortable, and you could end up leaving. Even worse, work could become a living hell.

Totally ruling out relationships with those you work with is a little much when you consider how much time people spend working together. You frequently get to know people better when you work with them, so romance crops up all the time. You just need to establish some ground rules first.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

During my last two years of high school, I went steady with a guy who later left the state to go to college. While we continue to be a couple, our relationship has become strained because of the distance and because of the fact that we are living different lives now. I'm going to college here at home, and although we talk on the phone at least a couple of times a week and occasionally write to each other, I can feel us growing apart.

Is there something I can do to keep the connection strong? Neither of us is going out with anyone else, but I keep thinking that this could happen. What can I do?

-- Worried

Dear Worried,

All you can do is what you are already doing. Fearing growing apart is natural, but it also might be natural for you to do so. The important thing is to not cling. Live your lives. Seek out and enjoy new experiences and new friends. Don't let that fear stunt your growth.

What happened in high school is the past, and both of you will continue to change. It could be that you will continue to want to stay together, but this is not a sure thing. What's most important is that you not live in the past but embrace new experiences.

Dr. Lovemonkey realizes that this is not very reassuring. But as you both grow, you must be willing to take risks and be open to change. Continue to stay in touch with each other, but be open to that which is new and different.

Believe that if your commitment to each other is meant to be, you two will recognize this and things will work out. But also understand that what you may have assumed would happen in high school may not be how things turn out. You're both too young to have planned your entire futures so rigidly.

No doubt, this is harder for you because you are closer to home and all your memories are more immediate. Just keep doing what you're doing and realize that there are no assurances. Personal growth is good; clinging to the past is not so good.

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