by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 26-year-old bisexual woman. I am very frustrated because I can't seem to meet women who share my interest. I am not open about my sexual orientation, so I guess that's why I am not meeting people. I prefer to be in a relationship with a man, but I also like to have women as lovers. Should I make a decision on one or the other? I really don't want to choose, because I like both.

-- Mixed Up

Dear Mixed Up,

Dr. Lovemonkey recalls meeting a group of about eight women at a club one night. They were out celebrating one of their number's recent engagement to a man, and it was clear to me that two of the women were a couple.

As I was talking to the pair, I let spill the fact that I assumed they were "together." And, indeed, they said they were. They were surprised, however, that I noticed, because their friends, they explained, had no idea.

I am telling you this story to illustrate that different people have different degrees of what is known as "gay-dar." Many straight people have no clue at all, and my suspicion is that the crowd you socialize with falls into this category. As a result, you essentially have answered your own question here in terms of why you're not meeting other women.

While people don't ordinarily go around declaring their sexual orientation, assumptions are often made based on where you go, what you do, with whom you hang out, etc. But simply relying on other people's "gay-dar" to pick up on the fact that you're interested in a same-sex relationship doesn't always work. Knowing how to show sexual interest without being too overt, on the other hand, usually does.

If you are interested in meeting women, spending time at clubs, restaurants or other gathering places known for their lesbian clientele would be a good idea. Perhaps you have a lesbian or bisexual friend in whom you'd feel comfortable confiding. They could give you some tips on good places to meet other women.

As to "having to make a choice," that is not necessary. If you wish to have an intimate, committed relationship with someone, then it would behoove you to choose. But what you'd choose in that case would be an individual, be they male or female. In the meantime, it sounds like you want more experiences, particularly with women. If this is the case, don't limit yourself. Check out the lesbian social scene

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been in a relationship for six months with a very nice 43-year-old guy who is divorced and has children. We have been getting along wonderfully, but for the last four weeks, he has been sort of distant -- except in the bedroom.

I get along well with his family, and my family gets along with him. He has always told me that I could talk to him about anything. Well, when I tried to find out what was wrong between us, all I got was silence. So I made the decision not to see him anymore and told him so.

Since then, we have talked. And, basically, he says he was running and was afraid, because I seemed so right for him. Also, he is obsessed with the idea that I am changing, although I told him that he was the one changing and that this is what made me turn away. I also told him I could not -- and would not -- deal with childish behavior.

He says he realizes how wrong he was, and he wants us to try again. He also asked if he'd hurt me so much that I couldn't love him the same again. I told him only time and trust would tell.

I really care about him and the kids. (I'm 46, and mine are grown.) We are both in management positions and have an education. He also plays in a band. I know there is no other woman involved.

I want to try again, but I am afraid. Everything feels so right when I am with him. We both have many of the same morals and values -- he does not drink or smoke and is very honest. I am too old for games and told him so. Should I try this again or not?

-- Confused In Georgia

Dear Confused,

You are very right that time and trust will tell. Although you haven't discussed the specifics of his "childish behavior," it's obvious that the communication between you has eroded. If you think that things can improve and that, together, you can make this work, you must impress upon him the importance of better communication.

Agree to set aside regular time to talk about how you both are feeling. Despite the lack of spontaneity in the approach, this sort of discipline would resuscitate the togetherness you once had.

There are many reasons why people let their relationships slide -- work pressure, taking someone for granted, etc. If he has indicated that your relationship is of primary importance to him, then he should know that it takes work and attention.

Sounds like he has been paying attention to his management job and band and not putting an equal amount of care and consideration into your relationship.

For now, he should be willing to structure your time together in a more meaningful way in order to make your relationship work.

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