by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a fairly simple question. I've asked around with friends and some adults I know pretty well, but I can't seem to find a definite answer. What I want to know is that, I know it hurts to make love the first time, but why? I've heard so many varying opinions that I really don't know what to believe anymore. I'm curious because my boyfriend and I are a bit concerned about the pain level involved and what we might do to avoid or, at least, lower it. We are also engaged to be married.

- Leigh

Dear Leigh,

The pain that you are concerned about has to do with the hymen. This is a fold of mucous membrane that partly closes the orifice of the vagina. When a female experiences penetration for the first time, the hymen is broken, and this does cause some pain.

Sometimes the hymen has been broken prior to a sexual encounter. For instance, women who ride horses or engage in vigorous bicycling activities frequently find that their hymen has been broken. Also, some women have broken their hymens when putting in a tampon.

Being a male, the Doctor has not experienced hymen-breakage firsthand and cannot give you an idea of what it feels like. Checking with a number of female friends, I am informed that the pain varies from woman to woman. Some of this has to do with lubrication, i.e., if you're not juiced up (naturally or through the beneficial application of a little K-Y jelly), it will be more painful.

As Dr. Lovemonkey has noted on a number of occasions, he is not a physician. The best thing for you to do is to talk to your gynecologist about this. I am surprised that you have not done this already. He or she can tell you if your hymen is still intact, and may be able to provide you with some helpful hints. At the very least, any real doctor should be able to explain things in much greater detail than Dr. Lovemonkey and I urge you to consult one.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've just started seeing a woman. It's only been about a couple of months, but I have noticed a few things that I consider rather strange. First of all, she doesn't seem to have too many longtime friends. Although she has lived here all her life, she doesn't have even a small group of girlfriends that she is close to. She spends her time with me, and sometimes my friends, but she hasn't introduced me to anyone that she is close to and doesn't seem to be tight with anyone at all.

One thing that I do know is that she was going out with a guy before me - I don't know him - and she is on very bad terms with him. She seems to still be angry with him and only has negative things to say about him.

Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I find all of this unsettling. Do you think that this is odd or is it just me?

- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I would say that your observations are rather astute and that they indicate a number of red flags to Doctor Lovemonkey. Beware those who seem to be incapable of retaining any longstanding friendships. Problems getting along with people are bad signs. The attitude toward her last boyfriend also appears to be part of the pattern. What are her relations like with her family? If it's another series of strained relationships then I'd start heading for the hills. This is a troubled individual you're involved with here, and I foresee lots of pain and unpleasantness, not to mention a doomed relationship.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

There's this woman at work who I am very interested in except that she has these incredibly long fingernails. She paints them different colors all the time and it is easily the most obvious thing about this woman. I think that she's interested in me as well, although I'm married. What would be the best way for me to approach her about ditching the nails? I'm pretty certain that I can get her into the sack but, and maybe this sounds stupid or shallow, I just wouldn't want to be seen in public with someone with such flamboyant nails. Got any ideas on how to give her the message without ruining my chances?

- Ready for action

Dear Ready for action,

Let me reassure you that your self-consciousness about being seen in public with someone who has extravagant fingernails is not stupid or shallow when viewed in the full context of your letter. That's because what is really stupid and shallow is the fact that you are married and are scheming to get a co-worker "in the sack." I'm sure that your wife is someone with a much more highly developed aesthetic taste and would never allow her fingernails to grow several inches and then tint them turquoise. Unfortunately, your wife is guilty of at least one serious faux pas -- marrying a dickhead like you.

Call Dr. Lovemonkey a hopeless square, but he actually believes that marriage vows are something to be taken seriously and not just a trendy accessory like the gold chain that men of your ilk are frequently seen wearing in conjunction with ugly shirts with the top three buttons conspicuously undone.

The fact is that you don't have to be seen in public with this woman. If she is truly on your wavelength and willing to jump in "the sack" with a married man, I'm sure that she also will not mind avoiding public detection by slouching down low in a car as you drive, panting, to a seamy motel room. There, let your plan unfold and have your way with her. If things really work out well, she will use her heroic fingernails (in a subtle allusion to In the Penal Colony, by Franz Kafka) and scratch the name of your crime into your back. Upon reading Ms. Fingernails' coded message, your wife will then kick your worthless ass out of the house.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---