by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have been living with a wonderful woman for almost five years now. We, in my estimation, have a very good relationship, both personally and sexually. For the past two years or so, she has mentioned on a few occasions that she would like to have breast augmentation surgery to lift her breasts. As far as I am concerned, her breasts and her body as a whole are absolutely fine. This is not an issue at all with me, but it is with her.

One time, about six months ago, I initiated a conversation about this and she seemed to get a little irritated with me, saying things like, "Don't you like my body?" It wasn't like she was really mad or anything, but I could tell that she was a little peeved and maybe a little hurt. Since she was the one who had brought it up on other occasions, I was a bit surprised at this reaction and I've not brought the subject up again since (although she has, once).

Her birthday is coming up soon. I know that this sort of cosmetic surgery is an expensive proposition and she has never been in a position, financially, to do anything about it. The fact is that right now I do have the money and am in a position to finance the surgery. But I am very hesitant to bring the subject up. As I said, I love her the way she is, and this is not something that matters to me. But it does seem to matter to her. What should I do?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

Your girlfriend sounds like she's suffering from a poor body image. I'm sure that you have read magazine articles or seen television magazine reports about how many people, particularly women, are vulnerable to feelings of inadequacy that stem from a relentless celebrity culture that distorts values and drives us to desire a bodily perfection that is, for most people, unachievable. Dr. Lovemonkey will not rage on about this, but it is one of those sad facts of modern life that has a negative impact on all of us.

My advice would be to forget about this as a birthday gift. Get her some really nice shoes instead. However, if she brings up her desire for breast augmentation again, this could present an opportunity to pry a little deeper. At that time you might want to remind her of how much you like her just the way she is while letting her know that, if this is what she really wants, you are in a position to help. Engage her in this way if she brings up the topic again, but only if she brings it up (no pun intended).

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Regarding last week's question from Leigh concerning the hymen, as I remember, it's not breaking the hymen that causes pain. That can happen anywhere, as you mention, but is painless. Breaking the hymen causes bleeding. What actually causes pain is the stretching of the vaginal walls which, prior to intercourse, are nowhere near loose or wide enough. Lubrication helps, but so does relaxing and stretching out the vagina with fingers first.

-- Mo

Dear Mo,

Thank you for the clarification. Frequently Dr. Lovemonkey receives queries that are best dealt with by professionals, be they physicians or psychological counselors. In those cases, I strongly recommend (as I did with Leigh) that my correspondents check with more knowledgeable sources.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've just started seeing a woman who is an ardent feminist. As you would imagine, I am basically in agreement with her about the goals of feminism, but I'm finding myself treading very carefully around her with the language of feminism. I'm afraid to use words like "history" for fear that she will take this as a sexist utterance and insist on "herstory." Most of the time, I can say "he or she" or "firefighter" instead of "fireman," but there are so many examples of masculine bias in our English language that I'm in constant fear of slipping up and appearing to be just another thoughtless male clod. Is there any solution to this dilemma?

--J.D.

Dear J.D.,

No, there isn't. Dr. Lovemonkey is a pro-feminist sort himself. Being on the cusp of age 50, I am reasonably aware of the fact that I came of age in an era where male prerogative was taken for granted. The advent of feminism opened up my eyes to this and, for that, I am thankful. Although we have a language that is rife with masculine bias, it is also true that the language is in a constant state of change. I remember well the derision with which the term "Ms." was first met, but, with time, it has entered the mainstream.

Language will continue to evolve. In the meantime, many of us with feminist sympathies will probably continue to feel challenged by our history of masculine bias, and there will continue to be efforts to achieve greater balance through language. Some of the suggested alternatives will seem silly and may, in fact, be silly. But a little bit of discomfort is a very small price to pay for the far nobler pursuit of trying to promote equity. Who knows how any of this will play out? I can pretty much assure you, however, that your (and my) feelings of insecurity and uncertainty about our language will continue because feminism is not going away any time soon, and certainly not while the inequity continues. Grin and bear it.

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