by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Eight years ago, I had a relationship with a woman that lasted about a year and a half. It was wonderful and, to be honest with you, she was the love of my life. Well, what happened was that I had to move away because of a family situation. We kept in touch for eight or nine months, but gradually, we lost touch with each other. But she has always been on my mind.

Recently, I found out that she is living near me and is still single. I imagine that she has probably changed in a number of ways, as have I, but I'm sure that she is still, in many essential ways, very much the same. I would like to see her again but I don't have any idea how to go about it. Do you have any suggestions as to what I should do?

-- Tony

Dear Tony,

The one thing that you shouldn't do is to assume anything. You have been apart a long time now and, as you have said, you have both undoubtedly changed in some ways. Not having a sense of how she felt about you, it is difficult to judge what the likelihood is that you can rekindle something from the past.

My suggestion would be to get in touch with her via the mail. If you were to just call or show up at her doorstep, she would be put in a very awkward position. I'm also sure that you would be feeling awkward as well.

Send her a nice note inviting her to call and catch up on what's been happening with both of you for the past five or six years. Do not profess your undying love for her in the note. Make it as open-ended as possible and non-intimate as possible. After all, it has been years since you had an intimate relationship and you just don't know how she might be feeling at this time.

It will be up to her to make the next move. If she's interested in seeing you and you do get together, make it a friendly, non-romantic thing. You'll want to find out what has been going on with her and she will want to know the same. Take it very slow. The fact that you have a past history with each other actually makes things more complicated as you will both be trying to figure out each other's motivations.

Who knows? It could be that she has been pining for you as well, and everything will reveal itself rather rapidly. But don't expect that and do expect that she is different in many ways and may find you different in many ways. Just proceed slowly and good luck.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My problem has to do with my girlfriend and her best (girl) friend. They have been best friends for ages and have gone through a lot together. She is, naturally, very friendly with me. Gayle and I have been going together for over a year now, but her friend, Christine, has, in recent months, revealed to me that she has a crush on me. Now, whenever we're all together, I have paranoid thoughts. I start thinking that maybe Gayle knows about this and is watching very carefully how I interact with Christine. I'm afraid that she will think that we're doing something on the side when there isn't any truth to this at all. I have reason to believe that Gayle's imagination is running wild. How should I deal with this?

-- Paranoid

Dear Paranoid,

Although it is flattering to know that someone has a crush on you, the fact that it is your girlfriend's best friend means that you must take some action here.

I hope you let Christine know, when she told you that she had a crush on you, that you only wish to be friends with her and nothing more. Be very emphatic about that and be very conscious of boundaries. You need to demonstrate, by your actions, where your true feelings lie so that there will be no mistake in either of their minds.

The most important thing is to use your actions to let everyone involved know where you stand. Give more attention to your girlfriend, especially in the presence of Christine. Knowing that Christine is infatuated with you should alert you to maintaining strict boundaries with her, and do your best to discourage her feelings. It certainly sounds like you are sure of your feelings for Gayle and your main challenge is to demonstrate them more overtly to assure Gayle of your feelings while, at the same time, letting Christine know that you are both off-limits and very happy in your relationship with Gayle.

Bringing Christine's feelings for you to the attention of Gayle is not a good idea. She undoubtedly knows her friend well and has seen that she is interested in you. Bringing the issue up will likely cause a rift between these two friends and you don't want to be in the middle of that. Maybe you could help find an interesting person for Christine to meet. One hopes that her feelings for you will wane if you show little interest in her, but there's no harm in trying to help the process along a little.

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