by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I've been going to the same hairdresser for almost five years now. I have always been happy with the job she does and, although I have been a regular customer, I would not exactly describe her as a close friend. We do, however, talk when I'm in the chair. It's usually about pretty mundane stuff....you know, gossip, fashion, shopping....nothing deep or important.

Anyway, I was getting my hair done last week when she started talking about a relationship problem she was having with her boyfriend. Very matter-of-factly, she explained to me that she thought that the root of the problem probably had to do with the fact that, about a month ago, she and her boyfriend got together with another couple and "had a foursome."

When she said this, I burst out laughing. I couldn't help it. From my perspective, of course, engaging in orgy-like activities has the potential of causing discord. But, more than that, I'm wondering why she is sharing this with me at all.

She did not take kindly to my laughing, and now I'm thinking that I might have to change hairdressers. Although I don't want to, I will if it seems that this creates discomfort. What I'm wondering was, #1 do you think that I should change hairdressers and, #2, was it such a bad thing that I burst out laughing?

-G.K.

Dear G.K.,

Dr. Lovemonkey has a shaved head and, truly, the only thing I regret about not being part of hair culture is what you have described here -- the opportunity to be in on the exciting and startling dish that seems pervasive in the salon. What is interesting about your tale is that you had been seeing this woman for your hair needs for so long, and yet she seemed to have no idea that your sexual outlook is, shall we say, a bit more conservative than hers.

While there are certainly many sexually adventurous people out there, it is my observation that sex in multiples is still not perceived as mainstream behavior. When coming into contact with the public as a service provider, it is always prudent (unless informed otherwise) to operate under the assumption that your customer is part of the mainstream. Also, unless one is an intimate friend, it's not a good idea to discuss one's sexual practices.

Let's say I'm working as a clerk at the hardware store and I casually blurt out to one of my regular customers, "...so I was fucking this orangutan the other night and...". Chances are that I will either, a) face some sort of embarrassing response (a deadening silence would probably be the best option), b) lose a customer or, c) discover that my customer is another orangutan aficionado. Anyway you cut it, my indiscretion has now permanently altered the relationship.

So, your hairdresser is someone who is not exactly in sync with the Code of the Woosters. This means that there is a strong likelihood of discomfort all around if you go back to her. This does not mean that you shouldn't return. It could be she has learned from this brief episode that some matters are not exactly great subjects for casual discourse. But, if I were a betting man, I'd wager she is still in the dark about what does and doesn't constitute reasonable dialogue and perceives you as being rude, haughty and narrow-minded.

It's okay. I laughed when I read your letter. If you do decide to return and the subject comes up again, try to assure her that it was not her situation but the fact that she was sharing a bit too much information that made you laugh. You were laughing out of surprise that she would share this with you.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I have been going together for about four months, and we have finally decided to have sex. The problem is that he is having a hard time (no pun intended) trying to keep an erection. This has happened three or for times now. What can he (or I) do about this?

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Whereas in the preceding letter we were dealing with a problem concerning "too much information," here it is the reverse. Any number of things could be happening, most of which are not serious. If your boyfriend is a virgin or not very sexually experienced, it could be that he is just nervous. In that case, longer foreplay, including lots of holding and kissing, would be something to consider. Does he take any medication for a medical condition? Frequently that has an effect on one's ability to sustain an erection. For instance, blood pressure medication often has this consequence. Also, heavy smoking and drinking have an effect. You should talk about it and if it is a medical type thing, discuss this with an MD. If you think that it is just nervousness or anxiety, then extended foreplay and creating a more comfortable atmosphere should be helpful.

There is also the possibility of guilt or some other psychological factor coming into play here. If you both feel that this has something to do with it, seeing a therapist is a good idea. It is rather impossible for me to zero in on anything as more information is needed. If you feel and believe that your relationship is important, then you will discuss this and get to the root of it (no pun intended). Sexual activity is not merely physiological. The psychological, emotional and spiritual are all elements that come into play. All of this must be considered when trying to find the key to why this is happening (or, to be more precise, not happening).

You haven't given me enough information here to be able to be of much help, but chances are that this is only a temporary situation that can be easily rectified by exploring all of these areas and discovering the origin. Gently discuss it and, if needed, seek a little help.

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