by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr Lovemonkey,

I want to have a threesome with my girlfriend and her roommate. Her roommate is thinking about it but is unsure because of how close she is to my girlfriend. What can I do? I know she wants to go bucknutti on me and be with my girfriend and myself. How can I make her feel comfortable?

-- Frank

Dear Frank,

Has your girlfriend also expressed a desire for a threesome with her roommate? If so, you have both completed your mission. Dr. Lovemonkey is not in the business of training or encouraging people on how to coerce others into sexual congress. If both you and your girlfriend have already suggested the threesome, the roommate will decide whether or not she will be comfortable with this on her own time. Putting added pressure on her is not the right thing to do. Her concern that her relationship with your girlfriend may change after a sexual element is brought into the picture is not an unreasonable notion. Sex does change things and, it has been Dr. Lovemonkey's observation that women are much more cognizant of this than men. She may feel more comfortable with the idea if she sees that, after the suggestion, you and your girlfriend's behavior toward her is just the same as it has always been. If she thinks that this would be fun and not harmful to the relationship, she may decide to do it. It's her body, it's her decision and that's it.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I just heard from an honest friend of mine, a coworker, that an ex-friend of mine, someone I haven't been friendly with in years, is spreading a rumor that I am HIV+. I should be used to this, as for some reason I have been the subject of many rumors. (apparently, I have more enemies than I thought). I don't spread rumors --- that's so high school. The rumormonger and I both graduated four years ago. I don't know how to kill this rumor, as the people who are probably hearing it are people I don't see on a regular basis, and I do not wish to confront the ex-friend for fear of causing her bodily injury. I don't care what people think of me, but this is a big one. What do you advise? Also, would I be laughed at if I took her to court for slander?

-- Grist for the Mill

Dear Grist,

Yes, spreading rumors, especially about one's health status, is nasty. Because of the discrimination and bias directed at people with HIV and AIDS, it can impact all sorts of areas of one's life, from housing to work to personal relationships. A number of states have anti-discrimination statutes on the books and taking this jerk to court is a possibility. Unfortunately, bringing suit on someone also has the effect of calling even more attention to the rumor.

There are two things you can do. The toughest but best thing to do is to basically ignore the rumor. If brought to your attention, let it be known that it is malicious and untrue. Those people who behave like thoughtful adults generally cut ties with the rumor mill. Those who perpetuate and spread a rumor with no knowledge as to its accuracy are not people you want to socialize with anyway.

I can understand your anger and your reluctance to confront the rumor-spreader, but the other thing you can do is to control your anger and confront this person. Make it very brief and to the point. Tell her that you know she has been going around discussing things that she knows nothing about and intruding in your life in a way that is unfair and hurtful. Tell her to mind her own business. Maybe bring a trusted friend (like your co-worker) with you when you confront her. It may add to her embarrassment (and her embarrassment might motivate her to stop), confirm that others find her behavior reprehensible, and help restrain you from losing your temper with this person.

There is no surefire way to stop those who would spread rumors about other people from doing so. The best protection is a circle of friends who do not engage in such behavior and find it reprehensible.

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