by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

First off, I'd like to tell you I really like your column. Second, I'll tell you my "love story" and hopefully you can give me some advice that will help.

About a year ago I was hand-fasted (married) to a man whom I really loved and had been living with. We ended up hand-parted (divorced) by January: we lasted five months as husband and wife. I haven't really dated since. I should say I have been in a blur of drink on the weekends and that is never conducive to meeting anyone. Much of the time I just stay home now and act like a hermit.

I have been extremely depressed of late, for I have a lot of repressed anger about the failure of this relationship. I am in therapy to try and help heal this weird and this powerfully tearing feeling I have in my heart. The loss of trust in someone you held dear is not something I would wish on anyone. There is opportunity all around me to date (there always has been) but I am truly frightened to take the leap and try again. It seems to me that myself and my X did the love dance around each other. We became friends first which is my prerequisite, and then we became romantically linked, so we decided to live together first before our handfast.

This love dance of romance convinced me of an ideal situation of what I've always waited for and wanted. However, it turned out that once the permanent connection was achieved, the ideal disappeared, compromise was a thing of the past. I found myself feeling fooled. I spent months in a miserable condition trying to make it work. Yet when any relationship becomes one-sided, well, basically, you're screwed if you can't get the other party to come around. There is, of course, more to the story, but that would mean writing a book.

I feel like this love dance is like a used car salesman now doing everything in his power to tell me the world will be wonderful if I buy into the product of choice, which would be a relationship with him or her. I have lost my taste for the game but yearn for a companion. I am 31 years old. I'm pagan, which is a tough spot in dating. People who have a different religion are either scared of you or think you are a novelty to show off to their friends (I'm still deciding which one is worse). It is however very comical at a party, at a bar, a restaurant, or anywhere, when XYZ man/woman comes up and begins his/her little dance to woo and my mind's eye sees this badly dressed car salesman hawking the glories of life with Larry the lounge lizard. Love is so wonderful, it's the best wine with chocolate-covered berries that the emotional world lends to us, but it hurts so badly when you are deceived. I know that time heals all, but I really have to find a way out of this self-defeating attitude. I don't want to miss out on anyone truly special, even if they just end up being a pal. After all, there are all kinds of relationships and forms/levels of love to experience. Your advice is appreciated. Thank you for listening.

-- Faery Girl

Dear Faery Girl,

Sometimes people who have been involved with each other for a time start behaving differently after having made a formal commitment. It sounds like your ex-husband was one of those types -- someone who, rather than seeing marriage as a natural progression, viewed it as some sort of sea change. You can't always predict such reactions and at least you realized quickly that his attitudes about this were not at all in line with yours.

You intimated that you and your former husband had been living together before you married so, obviously, you had invested a lot more time in this relationship than the actual length of the marriage. Your anguish and disappointment is altogether natural, as is the months of mourning you have been going through.

It would seem that you are currently going through a phase where, intellectually, you wish to be over this but, emotionally, you are still feeling deeply affected. This is also normal, though excruciating. And you are right that, with time, you will heal.

The only advice I can give is to try and try and not be too preoccupied with the recent past, and focus on the future, your future (and I'm not talking about the potential for a relationship here). Realizing that you have learned something valuable from this experience may help you in shedding the negative baggage from the past and concentrating on the here and now.

While your spiritual beliefs may not be understood or accepted by many people in the mainstream, you should not look upon that as a handicap. What that means is that you already have a strong philosophical perspective and you can feel some comfort in the fact that you won't have to waste your time with others who can not accept or understand this. Even if there is no one within your pagan community that you are interested in, there are still many people with open minds.

It's understandable that you have been going through a period of self-doubt and negativity. Embrace the words of the Bard of Savannah, Johnny Mercer, and "Accentuate the Positive."

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