by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey

I have been with my current boyfriend for the last seven months, and we both feel very serious about our relationship. Although we have not discussed marriage explicitly, we do frequently talk about our future together. He'll talk, for example, about "when we have kids one day." Richard is everything I've ever hoped for in a mate.

But things aren't perfect. Last week, in an intimate conversation, Rich admitted to me that he is bisexual and that he was involved in a relationship with another man (which included sex) prior to ours. I am not worried about sexually transmitted diseases (Rich and this other man were both virgins at the time). What I am worried about is bisexuality.

Now that I know that Richard is bi, I question whether he will be able to remain committed to a lifetime with me. Richard says that his sexuality does not change his feelings of love and attraction for me but I feel uncertain. I trust Richard, but I do not trust bisexuality. Richard explained to me that he feels equally attracted to both sexes, but for different reasons. He also says that there have been periods in his life when he has felt an exclusive desire for only one sex.

All I can think about is being married to Rich and hearing, after two years, that he's more interested in men. I'm nervous because I don't understand bisexuality at all. Can you help me on this one? Is there any way to gauge whether bisexuality makes someone less able to remain committed to either sex? I will appreciate your opinion.

-- Janice

Dear Janice,

It would seem to Dr. Lovemonkey that commitment and sexual orientation are two very different issues. What would make a heterosexual more willing or able to make and honor a commitment to one other person than someone who is gay or bi? Those who buy into the stereotype of the gay or bisexual person as promiscuous have apparently not spent a whole lot of time in hetero-oriented singles bars. Your concerns have to do with whether or not a bisexual person would have more trouble sustaining a monogamous relationship than a gay or straight.

Let's put it this way: if I am of heterosexual orientation, meaning that my sexual attraction is to members of the opposite gender, what is it about that that makes me more likely to be faithful than one who is of a homosexual or bisexual orientation? Making and keeping commitments is primarily an issue of character. Part of that has to do with a certain amount of knowledge and awareness of one's self. So the real question has to do with how well Rich knows himself, and is certain that he wants to enter into a long-term monogamous relationship.

Sustaining a monogamous relationship is a challenge no matter what one's sexual orientation may be. The work and commitment it takes to maintain an exclusive, intimate relationship is the same, regardless of whether you are straight, gay or bi. How one deals with one's attraction to others when in a monogamous relationship is related to that person's strength of character. No one sexual orientation has a monopoly on fidelity.

What you might wish to discuss with Rich is whether or not he feels that he is truly bisexual. Has he felt sexually attracted to a number of men and women, or are you the only woman that he has ever sexually desired? There is a distinct societal pressure to conform, and, in a culture that is predominately heterosexual, gay and lesbian folks sometimes succumb to this pressure. If Rich is secure and comfortable with his bisexuality, then he is facing the same challenges that anyone attempting to engage in a monogamous life faces. However, when you tell me that he says that he feels attracted to both sexes "for different reasons," and that he sometimes feels attracted to only one sex, I would suspect that he's still sorting out exactly what he wants to do.

I would hold off on any serious talk of marriage at this time.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 36-year-old female, and I have never married. I enjoy my single life. I don't think that the be-all and end-all of everyone's life needs to be marriage. My problem is that not everyone in my life thinks this way. Although my parents are pretty good about it, I've got certain relatives (two aunts, in particular), a few acquaintances and the occasional person I meet at a social gathering, who ask "How come you never got married?"

This, to my way of thinking, is pretty rude, and also none of their business. Do you have any suggestions on how I should handle these kinds of inquiries when they crop up?

-- Solo and Happy

Dear Solo and happy,

Yes, Dr. Lovemonkey would agree that such questions are rather rude. Of course, you don't want to increase tensions by getting angry or bickering with these people. It's always best to point out rudeness obliquely and with a certain flair. There are numerous creative ways to deal with the "why aren't you married" question. Here are some of Dr. Lovemonkey's favorites:

"I've discovered that I'm hortisexual and only desire congress with plant life."

"I've been holding out for that perfect person and the only perfect person I know is you."

"I'm putting off marriage until I have sex with at least a hundred people and I'm currently only up to 71."

"I would, but I need someone who is spiritually compatible, and I just can't seem find anyone else who believes that Wink Martindale is the true son of God."

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