by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My husband and I have been married for over a year and together for almost two years. I was pregnant when we married, although we had decided to marry before the pregnancy. The day we returned from our honeymoon, we found out that our unborn child had severe birth defects and would not survive. The following year was very hard on both of us, and just a few weeks ago we separated to try and work things out on our own. My husband said that he was no longer in love with me, and things looked grim for our marriage.

After only one week of separation, my husband declared his undying love for me and asked me to let him move back in. While I still love him and want to work things out, I don't want to repeat the mistakes we made in the past. Should I let him move back in with me?

-- Jennifer Frisbee

Dear Jennifer,

You infer that there is some relationship between the tragic situation of your pregnancy and your relationship with your husband. Your letter doesn't provide enough information about why you believe that particular event impacted your marriage in such a way. Such a traumatic occurrence frequently has a profound effect on a marriage, but not necessarily to the point of a breakup. "Mistakes made in the past" is another area where I have too little information.

My best advice is that you seek joint marriage counseling. It sounds like there are a number of issues that need to be worked on. The apparently different ways that each of you handled the grief associated with your pregnancy is just one of those issues. My sense is that there is a very good chance that you can work your way through this.

Right now would appear to be a critical time in your marriage, and I would urge you to use the services of a counselor. A lot of marriages have ended because people did not make the attempt to get help when they needed it. If your husband has proclaimed his undying love for you, he should also be fully behind this effort. Good luck and don't delay. I would also suggest that, as long as he is in a place where he can stay for a while, he not move back in immediately. Whether or not that is a good idea is one of the things you will want to discuss with a counselor.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Reading another letter a week or two ago made me want to write this one. I have an ex-girlfriend who I used to visit late at night when she babysat at this woman's house in our neighborhood. The woman she sits for is really hot. One night when I was feeling kind of curious I started poking around the woman's bedroom, and I found some pictures of a naked kid -- and the kid was me! My girlfriend had taken the pictures one night when we were fooling around. She told me later that she lost them. I'm not sure how the woman got her hands on them, but there they were and I think they might have been for some sexual use! Anyhow, my girlfriend and I have been broken up now for four months and I've been wondering if I could hint to this lady that I'm attracted to her. My friend says I should lay off because I'm too young, so any relationship would be illegal. I'm not so sure. What do you think? Isn't it only illegal if she makes the first move? Sincerely,

-- Willing

Dear Willing,

To dispense with the question of legality first, if you are under the legal age of consent in your state, sexual activities with an adult are illegal. It doesn't matter who initiates it. More to the point, this column is not about addressing legal issues If that were the case, an "Ask the Attorney General" column would be a preferable idea.

There is plenty of ill-advised behavior that is perfectly legal. What Dr. Lovemonkey deals with is morals, manners and ethical dilemmas -- stuff that is not always covered by law. Lying, cheating, rudeness in all its various guises are among the issues tackled here on a weekly basis.

So, basically, what you're telling me is that you are a kid, and there's an adult woman whom you find attractive. This woman has a child, and you have reason to believe that she might have some sexual interest in you because, while surreptitiously rifling through her things one day, you found a naked snapshot of yourself in her drawer. And you want to know if Dr. Lovemonkey thinks it's a good idea for you to come on to this woman.

Even a cursory reading of this column on an irregular basis should provide you with the answer. No, this is not a good idea. A better idea than trolling around for assumed-to-be horny women twice your age is to meet and get to know girls closer to your own age. The reason why this is preferable is because your imagined scenario with the older woman is one of sexual exploitation. This is a negative. Trying to cultivate a romantic relationship with someone your own age is (or should be) about friendship, shared interests and affection. This is a positive. Dr. Lovemonkey always prefers a positive to a negative.

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