by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Having decided that a relationship is important to me at this point in my life, I've begun the work of trying to meet other singles through friends and personal advertisements. Here's my dilemma: Many of the people I've dated have been friendly and pleasant -- but I've felt no chemistry for them on my side. By the end of the first date I'm feeling ready to shake hands and move on to new territory. More and more often, however, I've ended up meeting people who would like to continue to see me as a friend, if not as a boyfriend. I'm wanting to learn how to say, "I'm not interested -- even in just being friends," without seeming mean or callous.

In my case, I expect no less chemistry from a friendship than I would from a relationship. I don't see the former as being a "less meaningful" interaction than the latter. Friendship simply doesn't include the same level of physical (and sometimes emotional) intimacy. As a result, if I'm not hitting it off in conversation with someone else, I don't think we'd be compatible as lovers OR friends.

Others who have heard me talk about this have suggested a passive solution. I get advised frequently to offer friendship as a "consolation prize" and then to make myself conspicuously unavailable for hanging out, or what have you. I don't like this approach because it seems underhanded and ugly (like giving someone a fake phone number at a bar). I'd much rather be up-front and honest. Still, I don't want to hurt someone else's feelings. Can you give me any suggestions on how to be clear and tactful about how not interested I am?

-- (How) To Be Blunt

Dear Blunt,

It would seem that if you are really not interested in seeing these folks you've gone out with again, your choices are to either (conceivably) hurt them by telling them, "Gee, I don't think that this is really working out," or to do what your friends suggest.

The question in my mind is: Are all these people so noxious that you really want to never see them again? Is it possible that your standards are too exacting? Sometimes you meet people who you don't initially hit it off with, or who don't immediately inspire spirited and fascinating conversation. With time, you might discover that you have more in common or feel more connected with these folks than you first thought. This is something to think about.

On the other hand, meeting others through the personal ads are definitely more of a hit-or-miss proposition than meeting people through friends. So, if you are as discriminating as you sound in selecting those whom you wish to spend time with, you should stick with the "meeting through friends" route. After all, one would assume that your friends know you, know your personality, likes and dislikes, and would have a better sense of who you might connect with than that yielded by the more open-ended approach of dating through the personals.

In a perfect world, of course, those people whom you feel you didn't really connect with would feel the same way about you, and your departure from their lives wouldn't cause much pain. But, alas, this is not a perfect world and, if you have discerned after a brief time that you don't really want to see another person again, there aren't too many ways other than your friends' suggested vagueness to do this in a way that leaves everyone feeling less disappointed.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have just met someone who is very nice, but they have a severe problem with stuttering. I constantly feel ill at ease and uncertain as to how to converse with this person. For instance, I sometimes feel like finishing this woman's sentences or supplying the word she seems to be groping for, but then I feel guilty and even more ill at ease. Got any suggestions?

-- Uncomfortable

Dear Uncomfortable,

My only advice would be to just wait patiently for your friend to finish what she is saying and then respond, like you would in any other conversation. She is merely another person communicating, just doing it a bit more slowly than the way to which you are accustomed. Don't avert your eyes or appear to be anxiously waiting. It's just a matter of slowing down a bit yourself and getting on the wavelength of the discussion. Gracious human discourse contains an element of putting the other person at ease, something that differs from person to person. For this particular person, it requires a bit more concentration and patience, that's all.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm happily married, but my husband works at night. For a long time, I have enjoyed going to singles bars for a night out -- something my husband fully approves of. As far as our relationship is concerned, there is no problem. The reason I like to do this is that I like to dance.

My problem is that, too often, guys ask me to dance and then they either hit on me or, in other ways, get a little too close for comfort. I don't want to constantly be explaining to these people that I'm married. Is there any solution to this annoying problem?

-- Taken

Dear Taken,

The solution would be to seek out dancing in places other than singles bars. They are called singles bars because they are places where singles go to seek out other singles. This is basically their turf and they are just behaving in the classic way of people at singles bars. If part of the attraction of singles bars for you is because you enjoy the opportunity to flirt a bit, you should know that flirting in this setting generally gets the results you've been experiencing. If, however, it is really the dancing that you desire, join one of the many clubs or groups that meet strictly for that purpose. That way your common bond will be dancing and not finding dates, which is the primary activity of singles bars.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---