by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I would love to have a threesome involving another woman. We are very committed to each other, and the trust and intimacy level is such that I would have no problem with this. The question is... where do we find this other woman. I have a couple of friends who we could be intimate with, but I wouldn't want to add confusion to a friendship. Are there places on-line or clubs to go to where we can meet bi-women in a non-pressure environment?

FMF--to love is to live

Dear FMF,

Like Luis, who wrote in last week searching for blue-eyed blondes, you have apparently mistaken me for Dr. Pimpmonkey (who I would dearly love to find since so much of my correspondence seems addressed to him). Basically, you are looking for a complete stranger to have sex with. You say that you are reluctant to bring friends into this because you fear it would confuse them. Do you suppose that this would be less confusing to someone you don't know? Therein lies your dilemma: you are not looking for someone to befriend, so much as you're looking for what is known in certain circles as "trade."

In many respects, therefore, this is actually a business proposition. There is a profession, albeit an illegal one, that deals regularly with such matters. Practitioners of this industry are called prostitutes or hookers. Although this will cost you money, hiring such a professional would be the most promising and least confusing solution to your problem.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a recently graduated 18-year-old girl, cute enough but not gorgeous, and reasonably social. My problem is twofold.

Part one: I haven't met anyone new in a couple of years. My small school was pretty well my whole life (I admit to a small measure of disinterest in pop culture), and while I do have deep friendships, I yearn for new -- dateable -- blood. People find me attractive (that is, I'm leered at often enough), but where are the sensitive, profound boys who will end up speaking to someone they find attractive? Or don't they exist?

Part two: The only time I've dated someone (uninterrupted) for more than a week was a relationship that was limited from the start (he'd leave for college). It was summer; he made me laugh, and liked me a fair bit more than I liked him, and I felt somewhat safe in my sense that our feelings for each other were plastic. I couldn't make it feel real, and yet I had a grand time.

I'm lonely. I want to be in love with someone more than anything else, but can't escape the evidence that says I don't have it in me. I can't sustain feelings beyond the point where friendship-plus-sexual-tension turns to more. It's been easy to say that it's due to the small pool of "possibles," perhaps bad matches all, but now that I'm not in school I think I need to change something.

-- Simon

Dear Simon,

It sounds like you are looking for the whole package all at once, while, at the same time, assuming that you will recognize it immediately. This is not always the case. It could be that you are disqualifying potential suitors without taking the time to check them out more closely. In some cases, the kind of attraction and intimate relationship you are seeking builds slowly.

My suspicion is that you are given to making fairly speedy judgments on those whom you find suitable and those whom you don't. Having discriminating tastes is (as Martha Stewart would say) a good thing, but sometimes we limit our possibilities by making judgments too rapidly. Certainly, I could be wrong about this, but I sense from your letter that you are quite choosy. This, of course, is not the worst thing in the world, but it does add to your feeling that there just aren't too many suitable candidates for romance out there.

I would suggest, if you live near a college campus, that you might find this a reasonably good stalking ground for the "sensitive, profound" boys you seek. Most institutes of higher learning have a variety of activities that are also open to the general public. Attending lectures, movies or other pursuits that you may have an interest in will put you in close proximity to a number of people in your age realm who share similar interests.

If you don't live near a college campus, you then have what I will call the "people" route or the "interest" route to pursue. The "people" route is to go to places where people of your age group congregate. The "interest" route would be seeking out places where people who share your interests congregate. If, for instance, you enjoy theater, attend theater performances and strike up a conversation with someone who stokes your fancy. If you're interested in collecting stamps, there may be a philatelic organization nearby. Or maybe you're a cat lover. You can always hang out in the cat food aisle of your local grocery store (or, better yet, at an actual pet emporium) and wait for an interesting looking chap to approach. You then sidle up to him and say, "Oh, Whiskas is so much more tasty than Meow Mix."

Whatever you do, the strategy is to find an environment that is appropriate to your tastes and sensibilities. Spending time in such places will up your chances of finding the type of guy whom you seek.

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