by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I'm a single, 18-year-old high school grad going to college in September, and I am a member of the volunteer fire department. Last summer, a girl joined the team at one of the other stations, and I instantly became friends with her and we would hang out a lot. This girl is 23, and I knew from the start it was a long shot since she had a boyfriend. But I had the biggest crush on her and wanted to go out with her in the worst way. Over the winter, I found out she was single, and so we became closer. But then she started going out with her lieutenant -- and he's a trusted friend of mine -- and so I knew it was totally over. Now she is leaving the town and going to college out of state. I need to know: should I tell her that I like her or not? I feel that I may risk losing her friendship, as well as her boyfriend's. So, should I tell her or keep it a secret?

-- Lovesick Fireman

Dear Lovesick,

That she is leaving town to attend an out-of-state college is not the primary consideration in whether or not you choose to reveal your feelings to her. What is germane is the current status of her relationship with the lieutenant. Your challenge is to find out what that is before you decide whether or not to pursue this. Do you have reason to believe that they have parted ways or their relationship has shifted to a non-exclusive one? If they have parted ways then, obviously, the coast is clear. If they have moved into a non-exclusive phase of their relationship, then the situation is still pretty thorny. He would expect to be seeing her when she's home, and it would not be advisable for you to interfere.

What you do or say should be predicated on the status of her ongoing relationship with the lieutenant and has nothing to do with geographical considerations. If there has been no change in their involvement with each other, it would be wise to drop the matter. Telling her of your feelings would only cause confusion and potentially damage your friendship with one or both of them.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey:

I was in a relationship for three years with a great girl. We had met when she was in high school. We continued to date through most of college. Now it seems that things are all screwed up. We have decided to lower our relationship to friends. The problem that I'm having is that I still love her. We both felt we needed space to discover who we are. I know what I want. The problem is that I keep a lot of my feelings to myself. When I try to express how I feel, we get into a fight, which would cause even more problems between us. The question is, what should I do? Should I tell her that I still love her? Or should I just stay with the friendship and move on? I believe that she still loves me. (She told me that she doesn't want to lose me). When we decided to move to "friendship," we were both a mess. This girl means a lot to me. I just don't want to give up on something that was good.

-- P.C.

Dear P.C.,

If, as you say, discussing your strong feelings for her would initiate an argument, I would guess that right now she is only comfortable at the friendship level. It could be that she finds an intimate relationship with you confusing and isn't quite sure what she wants at this time. Pressing the issue is not likely to work. As the saying goes, the one who is the least committed to the relationship is, ultimately, the one in charge.

Stay with the friendship and move on in your romantic life. If you start seeing other women, she may just accept it gracefully. That would indicate to you that her feelings for you are not as strong as your feelings for her. Then again, her response might be to pursue you. The fact is that, at this time, your relationship is in some sort of limbo that she fines reasonably comfortable and acceptable -- and you find intolerable. You would find out a lot if you were to casually pursue other women without leading them on. At that point, reality will set in for your ex, and she'll have to make a more definitive decision about what your relationship really means to her.

Dear Dr Lovemonkey;

Hope you're well and happy. Anyway, I read your column this week and I would add to your comments to FMF (who was looking for a female recruit to engage in a threesome) that perhaps this couple needs some education as to what an open relationship can/could be. There is a Web site out there, www.polyamory.org, that talks about these concepts. This could educate this couple to see if that's what they are looking for in their relationship. "Polyamoury," however, has rules that have to be worked out between the main parties within the main bonded relationship. I believe that in FMF's letter she expressed a need to be non-committal to their third party. Perhaps she expressed herself badly, but you really should feel something special for anyone you're going to be intimate with.

-- Faery Girl

Dear Faery Girl,

Thanks for the information.

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