by Rudy Cheeks

(Faithful readers of Dr. Lovemonkey may recall a letter a few weeks back from "Louie." Louie felt that he was on the verge of great wealth and was looking for women (preferably young and blonde) who might be interested in traveling about the country with him in an automobile. Dr. Lovemonkey urged him to seek a more suitable forum for his query -- perhaps a "Dr. Pimpmonkey" -- that may be better equipped to meet his needs. Well, Louie has decided to stick with Dr. Lovemonkey, and in this week's installment, he waxes philosophical on love.)

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Since the beginning of history, people have worried about love as much as we do today. In fact, the only thing we know is that it is still the greatest mystery of all! Today we know what love is like, for we already experienced it when we were first in love in those exciting initial few weeks. But the excitement faded over time. That's because we stagnate financially and emotionally and soon we have little love left to give. But tomorrow we were rich, healthy, successful and happy. Would you feel the exhilaration of falling in love for our entire lives? Do you see this change coming in the future?

What are women of all ages looking for when they talk about love in the '90s? What turns them on?

-- Louie

Dear Louie,

Maybe I'm a bit thick, but the text of your letter seems to belie your contention that love, "is still the greatest mystery of all." After reading it three times, Dr. Lovemonkey is of the opinion that your letter is a far greater mystery than love or anything else I've come across in recent years. I have not yet decided whether your sentence, "But tomorrow we were rich, healthy, successful and happy" is a startling Zen configuration or merely tense-challenged, yet I have no doubt that you sincerely believe what you have said. This, quite frankly, frightens the shit out of me.

What has happened to the impending windfall that you mentioned in your previous letter? Has your pop song, the vehicle to fame and riches you referred to in your prior correspondence, hit the pop charts yet? Have any young blondes taken you up on your offer and signed on for your caravan of carnal desire across the continental United States? I believe that you, Louie, should consider launching your own Web site in order to share your musings on love with your cyber-ready neighbors.

By the way, Dr. Lovemonkey's inclination is to consider "those exciting initial few weeks" as being less about love than lust. It would also seem that you are very much a " '90s guy" in equating your romantic life with material wealth. I don't know what turns on "women of all ages" these days, but if it is a strapping back account, I can't be of much help to either you or the women in question. Good luck to you and the Boston Red Sox.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

What is the best way for a spouse to respond to a relatively minor betrayal?

Let's say that one's husband had a tumultuous affair before he was married with a woman whom he affectionately refers to as That Psycho Bitch. Bad break up (quelle surprise!), stalking and general weirdness followed (for nearly two years after the affair ended).

Fast forward six years. The husband reveals to the wife that That Psycho Bitch has been working in his office for three months, during which he has been struggling to find the right time and tone for telling the wife about this awkward development. Furthermore, he reveals that he has not been working alone on the special work project that has meant working after hours, etc. That Psycho Bitch and another co-worker also are on the project, which -- to clarify -- is an employee initiative, so the husband and That Psycho Bitch chose to work together.

The wife doesn't suspect any boot-knocking, but she feels the situation is inappropriate, and she knows it was avoidable. Yet, she also realizes that this is not the end of the world, just the natural consequence of associating with someone whose natural nickname is That Psycho Bitch.

Here's the question: How does the wife make the husband suffer just a little? Her impulse is to thwack him on the ear each time she kisses his cheek. But this seems a bit cruel. Besides, the wife does not believe in non-consensual corporal punishment. Sign me,

-- Listening to P.J. Harvey to Soothe the Pain

Dear Listening to P.J.,

It seems to Dr. Lovemonkey that your spouse, already having had to reveal to you how his "employee initiative" came to include TPB, has already had to do a bit of sweating. I suspect that what you want to do is just rub it in a bit more so that he won't forget that you consider this inappropriate. How about going out to one of those places that make custom printed t-shirts or sweatshirts and having one made up emblazoned with the statement "Not That Psycho Bitch." You can then proudly wear this every day that he comes home after working with TPB. This serves your purpose of torturing him just a little bit without violence or undue wrath.

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