by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My husband has a very irritating habit that I would like to break him of, but have no idea how to go about it. He regularly accepts invitations for the both of us without checking with me first. Stuff like barbecues, dinner dates with other couples, family picnics, etc. I've mentioned this to him on a number of occasions, but it doesn't seem to leave any long-lasting impression. Got any suggestions on how to get him to start conferring with me on these things?

-- Seemingly Powerless

Dear Seemingly powerless,

You've obviously found out how difficult it is to teach an old dog new tricks. Most of this is extremely thoughtless behavior, although when it comes to "family picnics" and other events that I would put under the heading of "obligations," it's not quite so egregious (although he should still inform you immediately).

Sometimes the only way to deal with these situations is to resort to shock tactics. You have wisely come to Dr. Lovemonkey, a master of the shock tactic, for advice. When you are next surprised to find that you have been enlisted, without forewarning, to have dinner with your thoroughly tedious neighbors, the Buttocksteins, it may be effective to emerge from your dressing chamber garbed in something that all reasonable humans would consider wildly inappropriate. In anticipation of the next such occurrence, start furiously combing second-hand stores, joke shops and the local Victoria's Secret for just the right get-up. A '50s proletariat frump dress, accessorized with that hard-to-find plastic Viking helmet (available at better novelty stores) might be just the ticket. Study Madonna's stage garb over the years and emulate. Those metal cone bra thingies that she pioneered would certainly be a great conversation piece at the next Teamsters picnic.

You might also want to purchase a large bottle of vodka, remove the vodka and fill it half full with water. When hubby arrives to whisk you off to the next unwanted social engagement, be lounging around the kitchen in a certifiable state of undress, slugging liberally from the vodka bottle. Explain to him that you felt the need to prepare or "bolster" yourself for the evening-to-be. Of course, this won't work if this is already the way that you two brace yourselves for an evening. But if you have heretofore been operating within traditional social norms, it can be a real shocker.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I recently stopped seeing an ardent admirer who, over the course of the last six months, had given me a few very nice pieces of jewelry. Is it proper etiquette to return the jewelry? I really have no desire to see this guy ever again, nor do I care whether or not I keep the jewelry (as lovely as it is). I just want to have a feel for what is the appropriate course of action.

-- Marie

Dear Marie,

Your course of action in this regard may be dependent upon the nature of your relationship with this guy and the circumstances surrounding the break-up. Judging from your letter, it doesn't seem like you were engaged or anything (you refer to the man as an "ardent admirer" rather than an intimate love interest). If the break-up was quite civil and devoid of a great deal of hemming and hawing on his part, I would just send him the jewelry through the mail with a short note explaining that you don't wish to keep it.

On the other hand, if this guy has given you a hard time or if the break-up was rife with unpleasantness, it would not be altogether inappropriate to fling the baubles in his face and descend into a mini-tirade. For pointers on how to achieve an effective mini-rant, I suggest careful viewing of old episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies, taking special note of the "Granny" character. She is as fine a practitioner of the mini-tirade as can be found. Be aware that you may become unusually enamored of Granny (as has been the case with a number of hardcore Hillbillies viewers of my acquaintance), and commence cooking possum stew, wearing your hair in a gray, spray-painted bun, and loitering about nearby approximations of "cee-ment ponds." This is not as outre as it may sound. Please notice that, although Granny tends to wear the same thigh-length peasant smock, it hangs rather nicely (appearing to be custom designed), accentuating Granny's quite attractive figure.

While Dr. Lovemonkey may seem to be revealing a rather inappropriate Beverly Hillbillies fetish at this time, it should not be dismissed lightly. It is my opinion that much of success of the political career of former President Ronald Reagan was due to his emulation of the strong personal characteristics of Jed, the Clampett family patriarch. In fact, if Nancy Reagan had hewed closer to the Granny model, she probably would not have run into less of a critical backlash in her days as first lady.

I will withhold any comments on the social significance of Elly May and Jethro for another time, but believe me, it's all there. That Nancy Kulp (Miss Hathaway) would even attempt to run for a Congressional seat in Pennsylvania is further evidence of the enduring validity of the Hillbillies' influence on our civic and cultural life.

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