by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 24-year-old woman who has an active social life, but there has been a common theme that I find troublesome with the last three men that I have gone out with. Each one of them, by the second or third date, has gotten very aggressive sexually, moving far too quickly into what I would call the "all hands" mode. I am not comfortable with this sort of thing so soon in a potential relationship. Am I being too finicky or conservative about this? Do you think that this sort of behavior is appropriate?

-- Sick of Being Mauled

Dear Sick of Being Mauled,

In the matter of when intimate contact should occur in a relationship, the answer to what is appropriate is, "that which both parties are comfortable with." Different people move at different speeds. If the men you are going out with are thoughtful and, shall we say, "good relationship material," they should be respectful of your feelings. People who ignore a potential partner's comfort zone are pretty thoughtless clods.

I'm assuming you have told these men that you are not comfortable with the rapidity of their sexual advances. That should suffice for any reasonable person who is considerate and cares about the other individual. Raging hormones are not an excuse for this sort of troglodyte behavior.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am single, in my late 40s, with a preference for women in their late 20s or early 30s. Among quite a few of my friends in my same age group, this is the source for a lot of joking and actual criticism. I don't think that I'm a jerk, and I think some of the criticism may actually be jealousy. Are my older friends within proper social norms to be giving me so much grief about the women I see?

-- Old Guy with Young Heart

Dear Old guy,

Dr. Lovemonkey considers it out-of-bounds etiquette-wise for people to bring up such things as age differences. So, yes, I would say that your friends are being somewhat rude here. On the other hand, it seems that you yourself are a bit overly concerned with age. People should be viewed as individuals and not merely representatives of their age group. What do you do when the women you are involved with reach the magic age of 35? Do you discard them in search of younger flesh?

It doesn't seem to me that you are interested in any real relationships here. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but I don't consider your amorous interests to be either very serious or very deep. There are a number of reasons why older folks are attracted to those who are considerably younger. This often has to do with the more exciting qualities of youth and the compulsion to feel more strongly connected with the modern go-go world. Once again, these are not necessarily bad or inappropriate reasons, just kind of shallow.

I say that this is shallow for this reason: the statement that you prefer women who are in their late 20s or early 30s indicates to Dr. Lovemonkey that you view these women less as individuals and more as archetypes. I would suspect that the women you have been going around with understand this and view you about as seriously as you view them, which is not too seriously at all. Fulfilling relationships develop when two people connect with each other as individuals. This has often been accomplished by people of vastly different ages, but my suspicion is that you are not one of them.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

My boyfriend and I are big music fans. We go to classical and popular music concerts quite frequently, but whenever we do, I have a tendency to bob my head and sometimes tap my foot along with the rhythm of the music. Whenever this happens, my boyfriend gets annoyed and whispers to me to cut it out. Is bobbing one's head to music at a concert so bad? I think that he's over the top here.

-- J.W

Dear J.W.,

Your boyfriend is overly self-conscious. Not only that, but his whispering to you to cut it out is, in actuality, a far greater faux pas at a concert than your head-bobbing. Of course, I am assuming that your head-bobbing and toe-tapping is within reasonable bounds. You're not thrashing your head about in such a violent manner as to require a foam neck brace for days after each concert performance, are you? Likewise, I take it that your toe tapping is not full-blown leg pumping in a frenzied hoedown manner. The next time you two attend a concert, it would be acceptable for you to tell him in advance that you may be moved to bob and tap at this performance. If he has a problem with that, see if he can exchange seats with someone a little further down the aisle, someone who won't embarrass his sensitive nature. Perhaps he can find someone who looks like he or she will be sleeping throughout the performance. I think the phrase "shove it up your wazoo" might also be appropriate.

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