by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a 37-year-old male and my wife is 35. We have been married for 11 years. She has never had much of what I would call "energy level," but I am so tired of living out of the dryer, writing my name in the dust that is everywhere, using the same sheets forever, sleeping on dirty pillow cases, etc. She works two 10-hour shifts per week. We have two boys, 11 and nine-years-old.

The answer is "yes" to all of your questions about me doing my fair share around the house. In fact, if I wish to have clean clothes or towels, I wash them. Our sons are also frustrated with her as they are getting old enough to compare right vs. wrong and my house vs. my friend's house. She is on blood pressure medication and has taken nut pills (i.e., Paxil, Zoloft, Xanax and a couple others I can't remember). I am now thinking that my sons and my love of family are the only things keeping me here. Nothing, and I mean nothing, motivates this woman, be it therapy, pleading, threats or any of the countless ways I have tried to change the situation. In case you have an answer or experience with this situation . . . thank you.

-- C.W. in Atlanta, Ga.

Dear C.W.,

I'm having a difficult time accepting your description of your domestic problems as a balanced and reasonably objective one. Perhaps it is the reference to the medication your wife is taking as "nut pills." I don't know what her actual medical condition is, but your description of her lack of energy and inability to deal with household obligations sounds very much like clinical depression. If so, this is a powerful, debilitating and quite serious condition.

I assume that your wife is not currently being treated for clinical depression, nor, in fact, has she even been seen for this condition. I suggest she see some doctors immediately. While things have been frustrating and painful for your family, it could be that your wife is suffering from a chemical imbalance, a form of mental illness. If so, there are therapies and a variety of pharmaceutical medications available that may help considerably. Also, keep this in mind: if it is the case that she is suffering from bi-polar disorder or some form of clinical depression, your perception that she is merely a lazy malingerer is off the mark. It could be that your wife is just a lazy, good for nothing doofus as you suggest, but Dr. Lovemonkey smells something else here and encourages you to look into it as soon as possible.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I am a heterosexual woman who has been having reveries about women, and I feel very strange when I think of women in a sexual manner. What should I do? I love my boyfriend with whom I've been for three years and I do not want to lose him. My best friend, who is a woman, has had sexual dreams about me and I had dreams about her also. We talked and laughed about it but have avoided addressing the issue for a long time. Do I like women? I feel extremely weird about thinking that I am a lesbian.

-- J.J.

Dear J.J.,

The fact that you identify yourself as heterosexual does not make you immune from homosexual desire. The assumption is that a person's sexual orientation is not so much a fixed and rigid "one or the other" trait, but more akin to a scale. Let's say that one represents totally heterosexual and 10 is totally homosexual. It is believed that most people can be located at various spots on the scale, with very few registering as ones or 10s.

That said, the fact that you have been having sensual reveries or dreams about someone other than your boyfriend is not entirely unusual for someone in an intimate relationship. Do you think that other people in intimate relationships and marriages do not also occasionally have erotic dreams about people other than their partners? While that may be disturbing, it is not unusual and, if you have a mature relationship that you value and want to continue to build on, you basically just deal with it. Deal with it the same way you might deal with a dream where you are leading a shipload of pirates into battle.

What is that? I don't know, but I do know that after the pirate dream you don't automatically head to the Barbary Coast and recruit a bunch of peg-legged, eye-patched and bewhiskered guys reeking of rum and try to rent a boat with them as the crew. Likewise, just because you have had an erotic dream or a series of erotic dreams, it is not necessary (or even desirable, for that matter) to then make them a reality. Even though you may be personally more familiar with the subject of the erotic dream than a bunch of guys with parrots on their shoulders, there is no law that says that you will be unfulfilled if you do not live out your dreams. Dr. Lovemonkey would hate to think that he is condemned to scour the earth in search of former minor '70s film actress Susan Anspach merely because he once dreamed of having his way with her under the table at a Chinese restaurant.

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