by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

About three weeks ago, this man I am interested in began reciprocating the same feelings toward me. However, at the time he was involved in a long-distance relationship that has since ended (on good terms). Soon after their break-up, he cut off communication with me. I see this man every day, yet he chooses to act distant. I have confronted him more than once concerning our relationship (or lack thereof), and he explains that he is still good friends with his ex, and is not sure that he wants to get involved with someone who he must have contact with everyday (in case the relationship goes awry). He claims to still be interested in me and definitely wants to be friends, but I do not get that impression from the way he acts toward me. I understand that he, most likely, is just confused or unsure, but I wonder how I can get him to open up to me and let me know what is going on with him. Also, should I wait around for him to get his act together, or should I just forget it and move on? I think he's worth waiting for, but I'm not sure how long. What do you think I should do?

-- Waiting For Mr. Confused

Dear Waiting,

As the late, great Professor Longhair used to say, there is probably some confusement here. Despite the fact that the man whom you have your sights set upon ended his most recent relationship on good terms, there is still a period of adjustment -- a period of grieving, if you will -- that goes on. Perhaps he also feels some guilt in the sense that he began reciprocating your feelings for him at the same time that he was still involved with another.

I think that you're right about him being confused and unsure. I would give it some time, and proceed slowly and cautiously for the time being. A few months would seem like a reasonable time period to see if he begins to re-kindle the interest he seemed to be showing a few weeks back. If, after that amount of time, he is still unable or unwilling to involve himself in active participation, I would then move on.

If he is "worth the wait" as you have indicated and you come into regular contact with him, things may develop farther in the future than you would anticipate. That does not mean you should wait around, but indeed get on with your life. In Dr. Lovemonkey's own life, a similar situation has occurred and it was actually more than four years until the intimate connection came to pass. And so, we end with the words of yet another musical philosopher, Chuck Berry: you never can tell.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

I have a small problem. I harbor a passionate dislike for my best friend's boyfriend, whom I term "That Egotistical Bastard" in private. "That Egotistical Bastard" goes away to school and, from time to time, comes to visit the house that my best friend and I share. My friend has asked me on a few occasions how I feel about "That Egotistical Bastard." Each time I have lied and said that my feelings were basically neutral, because I don't think it's fair to make her feel pressured just because I dislike the guy she.The biggest part of the problem, however, is when her boyfriend comes to visit. I find it extremely hard to be more than icily polite to him. Do you think that there is a way to make this situation more comfortable for all involved??

-- Wanting To Be a Good Friend

Dear Wanting To Be a Good Friend,

The way to find a comfort zone is to level with your roommate about your estimation of E.B. I suspect that the reason she has asked you about your feelings, on more than one occasion, is that she has sensed the iciness between you and E.B. In your attempt to be valiant and spare her feelings of unease, you have placed added pressure on yourself and, I suspect, done little to alleviate the stress she is feeling, as she seems to sense your dislike for her boyfriend.

If you acknowledge that you don't particularly care for him, she may be able to cut some of the tension by arranging her schedule so that your contact with E.B. will be minimal. It doesn't have to be a "him or me" situation. I'm sure that tensions will decrease if you honestly open up to her, and you together craft a more workable alternative to the current situation.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Is it ever even close to appropriate to ask a waitperson/coffee-server/salesperson to like, um, "hang out" at some not-their-working-place-type place? Or is it always sort of codgery, accipitrine, desperate, and, well, lame?

-- Codgery, Accipitrine, Desperate, and, Well, Lame

Dear Codgery,

This all depends on how well you are acquainted with the service person of your dreams. In other words, how perfunctory has your exchange of pleasantries been? If you are truly accipitrine (read: "hawk-like," for those without a dictionary handy) you would already have swooped down on your unsuspecting prey. The fact that you even consider the appropriateness of initiating more personal contact leads Dr. Lovemonkey to believe that you are a reasonably thoughtful type and should have more faith in your instincts. Go for it, hawk-boy.

---

Email Dr. Lovemonkey

---

Dr. Lovemonkey's archive

---