by Rudy Cheeks

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

About a month ago, I broke up with my fiancee of almost three years. I have dated one person since then while my ex has just told me of her intent to date someone. This person is sort of a friend of mine. He works at a store, near where we lived, that I went to once a week. I've been very friendly with him for over three years now. My fiancee would occasionally accompany me on my weekly trip and was nice to the guy -- never implying anything else. Since our break up, we've tried to stay friends. One rule she has that I agreed with is that she doesn't date friends of ex's. At least she didn't, until now. Now I feel like I've been betrayed by both of them. She should have had more consideration for me and obeyed her own rule. He should have had more respect for me and politely declined when she asked him out. Now I don't want to have anything to do with either of them. Am I overreacting?

-- Still Friends(?)

Dear Still Friends,

TYour hurt and disappointment is certainly understandable. Undoubtedly you feel a sense of betrayal on both the part of your ex and your friend. The "rule" your ex once claimed to adhere to is a good one, as evinced by what you are going through now and what she would have felt if you had started, after a month, to see a friend of hers. The rule, however, is also somewhat unrealistic.

We often tend to become romantically involved with people within our pool of friends. That you were together with this woman for three years means that, most likely, your pool of friends overlapped. It is not unlikely that one of you ended up seeing someone that you both knew.

Both your ex and your friend should understand that you feel hurt and betrayed, even if they weren't secretly planning or even longing to see each other while you and your former girlfriend were still together. Dr. Lovemonkey thinks it is not completely unreasonable that you would not want to continue being friendly with either of them for a while. At the same time, it's best for you to attempt to put things in perspective and not judge these two too harshly. Sitting around feeling sorry for yourself is, while totally understandable, not a good thing.

I do believe that, in cases like this, time will have a healing effect. With time, you will not feel so close to the situation and you will be able to more objectively evaluate why you and your ex split up. After a while, you may be able to rekindle your friendship with both of these people, but for now it's just not doable. You need some distance. Just as your ex realized that it was unrealistic to rule out dating those who were friends with her former boyfriend, it is equally unrealistic for her to expect that you would be able to maintain a close friendship with her after this development. Your hurt feelings will heal.

Dear Dr. Lovemonkey,

Here's something to put a knot in your prehensile tail: My husband and I are complete opposites in the personality spectrum, so what to do for a romantic holiday season? We're limited on budget as we just purchased a home, so the "fly to Colorado, Vermont (pick your snowy state of choice)"" is out. My idea is to meander along in freshly fallen snow, snuggled next to my beloved, gazing at the lights. His idea is to be someplace where palm trees are not in danger of frost. I really don't want to face another bleak, romance-less holiday season this year. HELP!

-- Christmas Wisher

Dear Christmas Wisher,

Have I got this right? You like the snow and cold, and he's a tropical kind of guy? If flying to romantic ski vacation country is out, then obviously the trip to an island paradise is also not in the cards. Wherever you are now is the place to be, then. The important thing is that you are together.

There are countless romantic opportunities, regardless of the clime. Cooking up tasty treats in the kitchen together, a la Martha Stewart (she usually does this with someone else, too, although it is generally some sort of vassal or indentured servant on her payroll), can be quite romantic. How about lighting up the old Yule log and settling down to a Dr. Lovemonkey-approved film on video. Russ Meyer's Beyond the Valley of the Dolls would be one of the Doctor's faves, but I don't expect everyone to share my own exquisite tastes.

The Doctor also finds taking in high school plays -- the more execrable, the better -- to be a pursuit of high romance. See if a local school is doing a particularly inept revival of Annie during the holiday season. Go enjoy and feel the burn.

If you're on the same page about the realities of your budget, it should be easy to arrive at the conclusion that you should enjoy your new home this holiday season. Make some plans to do things that you both enjoy and you should have a great time. In the future, as your financial situation improves, you can always alternate holiday vacations, one cold, one warm. The romance comes from within.

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